


Last Summer

by sephet



Series: The Kids Aren't Alright [4]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:36:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6701473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sephet/pseuds/sephet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One last summer before they have to be adults, Felix and Locus intend to make the best of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take Me To Safety

Everyone should totally go check out [Trouble Follows](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6686752) by [AriRashkae](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AriRashkae/pseuds/AriRashkae), written about these assholes and a cat! It's super duper cute!!

 

\---

 

Felix lay back on his ratty old futon and stared up at the ceiling. The only reason he’d been able to do so was because as a fancy walk-in closet his room actually had a light. Which was really the only saving grace of the whole situation. It smelled like shit, and after sleeping on a real bed (even if it was a shitty bunk) the futon was disgusting. It wasn’t even one of those nice ones they made now, it was a slightly padded matt. He realised, basically, it was an oversized dog bed. He’d had it as long as he could remember, which made it even more disgusting when he thought about it. Not that the floor would be better. At least on the matt his spine wasn’t digging into the hardwood. And at least he had a light.

He’d managed to get out for most of the previous night by wedging an eraser in the lock so it couldn’t latch properly. He’d thought it was pretty clever, it gave him a decent amount of time to dig through files and set things up.

He’d almost burst out laughing when after three hours of useless garbage he’d finally found a file that was his. Fan Li Lau born December 28, at 11:57AM. The father’s name was blank, but he hadn’t really been expecting an answer to that mystery. The concept of his father was… abstract. He knew that, at least somewhere around 9 months before Felix was born he was alive, through some set of circumstances best left unimagined he’d had sex with Felix’s mother, and then there were no facts. His mother had claimed the man was now in prison, but his mother claimed a lot of things. It was hard to tell what was true and what was made up to make Felix feel more like a monster. Or true but told in a way that made him feel like a monster. It’s not like she ever said what he was in prison _for_. Felix had done lots of things that might earn a person prison time. Assault for one, he was pretty guilty of, he’d dabbled a bit in theft and fraud…

Mostly Felix just considered his father dead. It was easier that way. Then he didn’t have to think about him existing somewhere. Which, somehow, was more unnerving than the idea of the man being dead. Maybe because somehow it would seem like there was someone out there with a claim on his life in a way. He was someone’s son or something… Well he was already someone’s son, but someone _else’s_ son. He’d never once actually spoken to his grandparents, he heard his mother arguing with them plenty. But they had no interest in him. Illegitimate bastard that he was, he was something to be hidden. They didn’t believe in abortions, but apparently they didn’t believe in giving a fuck either apparently.

Felix doubted a lot that they were worth meeting. They’d have to be a special sort of monster in order to raise his mother and uncle. He had enough family in his life already. If he really wanted to fuck with them he could try to claim his actual identity.

Apparently they were a big deal in China. That’s why the children unsuited for the public eye came to America. The pregnant teen and the pedophile got to go be someone else’s problem. He could probably embarrass the fuck out of his mother’s parents if he found a way to announce that.

But in the end he really, really didn’t care. As soon as he graduated he was cutting every tie with this family he could. He even considered getting his name legally changed. It wasn’t like he wanted his mother’s name. Maybe he’d ask Locus for ideas.

He wasn’t sure what day it was anymore. He’d shoved his files in his messenger bag, raided a hidey-hole he’d found along the way of looking for his documentation, and was about to book it when his mother had woken up. She hadn’t taken his bag, just hit him very hard with a bottle upside the back of his head and thrown him back in his room. Eraser was dug out and the door was locked for real.

At least he’d booked a hotel room first, she had about three credit cards and she ordered things without much rhyme or reason sometimes. The bank wasn’t going to flag a big purchase and ask for clarification, his mother did things like this. Stayed at hotels at random so she wouldn’t have to listen to Felix pound on the door. Redecorated whole rooms, and not with cheap shit. She’d apparently ‘mourned’ her brother by investing in a whole new entertainment room. After all she no longer had to split her allowance with him. She took money out at random too, just in case one day her parents would realise she was a drunk leech and cut her off after years of supporting her being a terrible person. Judging by how much money was stashed in her hidey-holes suddenly withdrawing thousands of dollars worth of cash was normal… A hotel room for two months? Who the fuck would care?

And if they did care maybe they wouldn’t care until he was back at school. Once he was back at school they could launch all the investigation they wanted. By then he would have had a great summer and wouldn’t care anymore.

It was probably the next morning by now, Felix could hear his mother moving around the hallways. Was this a week in? It seemed pretty close to it… Locus would probably show up for him soon.

He worried that something might happen to Locus because of it. Someone calling the cops or something, trying to press charges. He was pretty sure if it came to that he could just lead the police to his room and Locus wouldn’t have to worry anymore but… Then he’d have to deal with the fallout from that. So he hoped nothing major happened.

His head was really starting to hurt though, she’d hit him pretty good with the bottle. He hoped Locus was going to be here soon. The first thing he was doing once they were out of here was take a shower. A week in a grungy room with only the clothes on his back and no hygiene products was… How had he even managed before Charon?

Thinking on it his mother hadn’t always locked him up at all times. And at some point he’d had clothes. Otherwise someone would have called child services. Food was always an issue, he knew that, he remembered hunger so vividly it hurt. Possibly because he _was_ hungry right now and it _did_ hurt. He’d had showers and clothes as a kid. Maybe it was just because it was summer now, and he had Charon the rest of the year. Where had his clothes from Junior High ended up? He had an image in his head of his mother burning them out back while drinking to celebrate his absence.

Step two once Locus got him out, once he was showered and in clean clothes, was going to be food. Or maybe hotel would have to take priority, but soon afterward food. Felix was so hungry he felt like he was going to throw up. Which seemed like a really bullshit reaction to hunger but he was pretty used to it. What was the point of feeling like vomiting when what you needed was to eat? Whoever designed the human body made a lot of mistakes.

There was shouting outside his door. Somewhere in the house his mother was shouting profanely and Felix grinned widely and sprung to his feel. It was a mistake to do that so quickly, he had to brace on the wall when his head started to spin. Footsteps were approaching though, and so was his mother’s voice. He walked to the door as the lock clicked open and Locus opened the door.

“Sup, asshole?” Felix grinned and Locus smirked a little.

“You took too long.” Locus held out a hand and Felix took it, his mother was still screaming at them.

“ _Look you don’t even want me here, now I’m leaving!_ ” Felix snapped in Mandarin. His mother glared at him, but seemed to remember that Locus was very capable of blocking any hit she tried to throw. “ _Just enjoy your empty house or something you stupid bitch._ ”

His mother looked like she’d bit into a lemon, but she seemed to be weighing whether she liked hurting Felix more than she liked quiet. “ _Fine, I hope you die!_ ”

She probably did, so he flipped her off and dragged Locus back out of the house as she called more insults after them.

“Your head is bleeding.” Locus said softly when they finally came to a stop down the street.

“Is it?” Felix made a face and started patting his head, finding the spot where it stung with a hiss. “Oh. How big is it? I really don’t want stitches. Again.”

Locus gently pulled his hair back and looked it over. “We can probably handle it but we should clean it.”

“We should clean _me_.” Felix winced and stepped back. “Goddamn I probably smell awful. I _know_ I look like shit.”

“We need to swing by my foster home to pick up our bags anyway. You can shower there.” Locus offered and took Felix’s hand again.

“Yeah then I look presentable when I check into the hotel.” Felix nodded and let Locus lead the way.

\---

“I know it’s less luxury than the last one, no tub in the living room.” Felix grinned as they put their bags on the bed to sort out.

“I think we’ll manage not being able to watch TV in the bath.” Locus said dryly and looked around. The hotel Felix had booked had a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen and a bathroom. It seemed more like an apartment than a hotel room. “Somehow I think this one cost more, though.”

“Yeah.” Felix laughed and looked around. “It totally did. Still not enough to raise flags though.”

Locus didn’t think he was ever going to feel fully comfortable just taking Felix’s mother’s money, no matter how often Felix explained that it didn’t matter. Though rubbing antibiotic cream on the cut on the back of his head once he got out of the shower had made it a little easier. Sometimes he just had to remember she’d broken Felix’s arm and it didn’t seem like _too_ much of a crime.

“Look! Look!” Felix dragged a manilla folder out of his messenger bag and held up a paper. “I was born at 11:57AM.”

“You found it.” Locus smiled and walked over to look over the paperwork. “I didn’t realise Felix wasn’t your birth name.”

“Really? You heard my mom call me it…” Felix blinked and put the paper back in the folder.

“I… don’t know any Mandarin. I probably didn’t realise it was your name.” Locus admitted with a bit of a shrug and a sheepish look.

“It’s not. I mean it _is_ but, I mean it’s from my mother so I don’t want it.” Felix made a face. “I started going by Felix when I started figuring out English. I just kinda liked it? I dunno. It was easier for other people to get. You know? I mean did you ever catch hell for having a weird name. I mean Fan Li’s not weird, it’s just not English, so I guess that meant weird to other kids…”

Locus considered that for a second. “I changed my name in the eighth grade.”

“What?” Felix leaned back and stared at him. “Why didn’t I know that? That seems like something I should know…”

“You mean like how I should also have known your name wasn’t originally Felix?” Locus raised an eyebrow. “I decided to change who I was as a person when I was fourteen. I told you I was angry as a child. I carried it a lot. I was angry at everything.” Locus started sorting through his bags for something to do with his hands. “I hit a point at fourteen, I grew about a foot, and it was extremely painful to grow that suddenly. I spent a lot of time just being in pain because it seemed like I was outgrowing my body. I raged a lot over it, but… I realised I was out of control. I had no control in anything in my life, not where I lived, where I went to school, I was so used to instability. I was angry at everyone for it, I wanted to make them stop, make them be different, but I couldn’t. So I realised the only thing I could have any control over was myself. So I decided to change it.”

Felix nodded, listening to Locus intently.

“There’s a psychological concept called Locus of Control. It mostly has to do with what a person feels they can control about their lives. Like ‘place of control’ it’s about where your control is located. The only thing I can control in my life is me. That is my place of control. So I am my Locus of Control. I guess… It sounds a little dumb now that I’m explaining it, but when I was fourteen it felt like a revelation.”

Felix moved over to Locus’ side and rose on his toes to kiss his cheek softly. “It makes sense. You are your place. I like it.”

“It took a little while to convince my teachers to call me that, but eventually it stuck, and kids didn’t really know me anyway so if the teachers were calling me Locus that may as well be my name. And now it just kind of is. Not legally, but… maybe eventually.” Locus smiled and shrugged a little.

“We can legally change our names together. It’ll be great. I still gotta come up with a new last name but it’ll be cool.” Felix grinned widely. “Okay but you know what’s on my birth certificate, can I know what’s on yours?”

“You know for most people that’s a very rude question.” Locus smirked a little as Felix pouted. “In this situation it’s okay though. I don’t know exactly if I was born with it though, sometimes when people take in infants they change their names. But the name I knew was Joseph. Joseph Cardinal.”

Felix considered that a little then nodded, “Locus suits you better.”

“Thanks.” Locus laughed softly and leaned to kiss Felix. “Let’s get unpacked and figure out what we need to buy now.”

“That reminds me!” Felix grinned and bounded back to his bag. “So you’re going to probably be uncomfortable again, please try to resist that?”

“Oh no, Felix…”

“It was another old one!” Felix explained as he pulled out a couple more rolls of cash. “It’s _fine_! She didn’t notice the last one, she won’t notice this one. Besides I’m not saying we spend it all, I’m saying like… some can send you to college, and some we save and like… make the first few payments on an apartment. I mean it’ll take a little while for me to get a job, so we’ll need something if we wanna move right away, right?”

Locus sighed and looked at the rolls Felix had thrown out onto the bed. “I… guess.”

Over the past year they’d put the leftovers from last year into Locus’ bank account, in small chunks so it didn’t raise any red flags. He had no idea what they were going to do with this cash.

“I’m gonna make a bank account. I have my papers now.” Felix patted his folder happily. “So official picture ID, bank account, SIN card… I dunno all the ID I need to function properly in society. That’s my goal this summer. Besides have fun. Then we deposit a bunch of this cash, and we’re golden.”

“ID and a bank account will come in handy.” Locus nodded. “When do you think you’ll get your driver’s?”

“When I learn how to drive. I don’t think I can manage that this month. But after we graduate we’ll have time.” Felix shrugged a little. “But! We could probably afford to buy _you_ a car!”

“No. That is… I don’t even think they let you just buy a car in cash.”

“... they probably do if you’re buying it on Craigslist.”

“We’re not buying a car on Craigslist.”

“Spoilsport.”


	2. Testing The Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking care of paperwork and seeing what they're able to do

Getting a bank account took a lot more time than Felix had expected but now he had the ability to carry a debit card instead of cash. Though, they had a lot of cash again. It had taken them most of the year to deposit the last bundle because Locus was paranoid. Felix on the other hand had a perfectly legitimate excuse to have a bunch of money, his family after all was rich.

It wasn’t like everyone knew _he_ wasn’t usually included in that. As far as anyone was concerned ‘my mom gave it to me’ was a perfectly reasonable excuse. Rich kids get too much money all the time. His mother’s bank account was probably a clusterfuck of too much money and too many withdrawals. 

Plus old people got nervous about money transfers, that’s why his mother had taken out cash and given it to him. She didn’t want it to get lost along the way. Or something. When in doubt blame old people being paranoid.

“Sucks I can’t get a credit card ‘til I’m 18 though.” Felix made a face as he looked at his temporary card.

“You have money, why would you need credit?” Locus sighed and frowned at him.

“‘Cause you’re supposed to make big purchases with a credit card I guess. Like you buy a car on a payment plan on a credit card or something.” Felix shrugged and tucked his card into his wallet. 

“You’re really stuck on the car thing. Where would we keep it when we went back to Charon?” Locus shook his head.

“Ugh fine, I just think it’d be useful.” Felix shrugged dramatically. 

“We’ll make do.” Locus ruffled his hair gently. “There are a lot of ways to get around this city.”

“First let’s get food or something.” Felix stretched. “I don’t feel like cooking when we get home. Pick something delicious but horrible for us.”

“Horrible for us?”

“I dunno like a pizza or burgers or something.” Felix shrugged. “Not health food. Something they’d never serve us at Charon, or if they did it was totally defanged.”

“Burger and fries?” Locus shrugged. “Those are usually better at actual burger places, and not… whatever Charon serves as burgers.”

“They’re practically rubber, maybe it was frozen defrosted then cooked really wrong?” Felix snickered.

“Either way there are shops where the burger styles are more than with or without cheese.” Locus reached and took Felix’s hand as they walked.

“Sounds good. Let’s find a place.”

\---

“I’m not getting up ever again.”

Locus laughed as he put the leftovers into the fridge. Restaurant portions were something Felix… was not accustomed to.

“Shut up. Oh my god how did you eat all of that.” Felix curled up on the bed as Locus walked into the room. “I mean it was really good but now I feel gross. What the fuck.”

“When was the last time you ate?” Locus sat down on the bed and rubbed his back gently.

“Uh… I mean we ate when we got to the hotel.” Felix pointed out. They’d had quick and easy fast food. Felix had had a salad, and hadn’t finished it.

“Okay before that.”

Felix groaned into the bed. “When we were still at school.”

That hurt Locus’ heart and he sighed softly. “Well… that would be what’s making you sick. You’re not used to it.”

Felix sighed. “At least I never have to go back. I mean from here on out I can fix things. I can get better and not worry about suddenly having to starve again…”

“You never have to worry about starving again. We’ll make sure of that.” Locus kissed Felix’s temple and got up to root through their clothes until he found Felix’s pyjamas. “Here, we have nothing we need to do tonight. I can go get you something from the drugstore, and you can curl up and watch TV.” 

There was a TV in the livingroom _and_ in the bedroom, though the bedroom TV was smaller by a little. It was a little excessive, but maybe that was the point of hotels, to be a little excessive. This was what living a dream was like… If Locus really thought about it, an apartment like this hotel room would be something like a dream home. 

“You don’t need to get me something, it’s just a stomach ache.” Felix wrinkled his nose but also set to wriggling out of his clothes so he could get changed.

“I can buy you a bottle of pepto and you can pick something to watch.” Locus smiled and pulled his shoes back on. “I’ll be back soon. Find something good and mindless to watch.”

“Mmkay.” Felix mumbled as he pulled his shirt over his head. “I’ll pick something really stupid, then.”

\---

Pepto it turned out was one of the worst things Felix had ever had the privilege of drinking. “How is it minty and chalky at the same time?”

Locus looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh at him. “Sometimes I forget you didn’t get to experience these things as a child. Did you get cough syrup as a child?”

“No. Just wine. I just drank a shitton of wine.” Felix felt a little like a dog trying to lick peanut butter from the roof of his mouth as he tried to rub the weird coating off his mouth with his tongue. 

“Here have some ginger ale and lie down.” Locus handed him a cold bottle and guided him back into the bed. 

He’d found some ghost show where grown men go into haunted buildings and film themselves screaming. He figured it was suitably stupid as he curled up beside Locus in the bed. “Is medicine always awful? Is it like.. Maybe they scare you into not getting sick?”

“Maybe that’s it.” Locus chuckled and wrapped an arm around him. “You feeling any better?”

“Yeah… shit still tastes weird as fuck though.” Felix closed his eyes and just paid attention to the feeling of being in Locus’ arms, being in a comfortable bed, being so full he was sick and a TV was pumping noise and entertainment directly at him. “I missed this.”

“I missed you too.” Locus smiled.

“I mean I only saw you a week ago, but there was also like… _this_ , being with you on our own terms, and like… a bed big enough to fit, and access to the outside world. It’s like… We have access to everything.” Felix shrugged a little and realised he was sounding… something close to whimsical. “I dunno. Seeing you in the real world too, it’s fun.”

Locus kissed the top of his head gently and Felix relaxed against him. “When we can graduate this will be our lives, basically.”

“Well, I’ll have work and you’ll have school, but yeah. We can just… have something like this. All the time.”

“So what would you like to do tomorrow?” Locus hummed softly as he gently stroked Felix’s hair. “Since we have the whole world ahead of us?”

“Supply shopping? Then maybe we can figure out if there are events this summer. I still _really_ wanna go to a fair. And at some point a pool again. Maybe a bunch of times. Maybe find a gym and try that, since I guess we can’t just _stop_ for two months.”

“We could probably just get summer passes to rec centres, then we can go to the pool and the gym whenever.” Locus considered then reached over for his laptop to pull up some information. 

They spent the rest of the night, until Felix fell asleep against Locus’ chest, going through and planning things that could be done over the summer.

\---

“Locus…” Felix stood with his hands on his hips and looked around the bedroom as if he was deep in thought about something very important.

“What is it?” Locus was just finishing brushing out his hair and putting it back into its usual braid.

“Do you wanna make out?”

Locus stared at Felix a moment, the look of intense thought on his face seemed in stark contrast to his words. “What?”

“Like. Do you wanna make out?” Felix wrinkled his nose and shifted to cross his arms a little defensively. “Like. The heavy stuff. I’m trying to like… I don’t know what I’m okay with, but I feel like I’m like… not. Like because of _stuff_ there’s part of me that I can’t like... “

Locus nodded slowly as he realised why this was a serious subject. Felix gestured abstractly for a moment then chewed on his thumb as he struggled for the words.

“I just. Like, I like sex. I know I do. Even before and… like. I mean this isn’t the first time I’ve… _this_ but this time feels…” Felix grunted with frustration as the words simply wouldn’t come together the way he wanted. “God damn it it just doesn’t make sense when I try and say it. So do you wanna make out?”

Locus tied off his braid and got up. “Yes, I do.” He reached out and took Felix’s hands. “We can move at your pace. What do you want me to do?”

Felix sighed and smiled, then kissed Locus slowly. “I don’t know yet. Can we try like what we used to? The me on top version. I think right now I have to… like I don’t think I can deal with feeling pinned?”

“That’s fair.” Locus kissed him back then moved to lie on the bed so Felix could crawl on and position himself as he liked.

Felix straddled Locus’ hips and kissed him, slowly more deeply as he moved Locus’ hands to rest on his hips. Locus didn’t move his hands from there, just rubbed small circles with his thumbs as Felix ran his hands over Locus’ clothed chest. He felt Locus’ body slowly mapping it out again with his fingers. 

Locus couldn’t help the soft gasp as Felix moved to kiss Locus’ neck lightly. That had always felt wonderful, and it had been a long time since Felix had wanted to touch like this.

“Can I give you a hickey?” Felix whispered in his ear, and Locus shivered as a thrill ran through him. 

“Yes.” Consent had always, since day one, been important to Felix. While Locus wasn’t the one with boundary issues, for the most part, anymore, it seemed comforting to Felix to ask permission. He relaxed a little in Locus’ hands as he began kissing harder, sucking a bruise at the base of Locus’ neck. 

Locus shifted a little and bit back a groan, it was always so electric, the way Felix could use his mouth, his hands… like a switch Felix could touch him just right and his body came alive with sensation. 

“Don’t hold back?” Felix leaned back a bit and ran a finger over Locus’ bitten lip. “I like the way you sound. And it’s another reminder it’s you.” 

Locus nodded, then groaned again as Felix smiled and moved back to kissing his neck. Felix’s hands dipped under Locus’ shirt slowly tracing over his skin, until he froze at the scar on his side. “It’s okay.” Locus’ voice was rougher than he cared to admit. Felix knew just how to touch him. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, you can touch it, or ignore it. It’s okay.”

Felix considered that for a long second, then traced his fingers lightly over the scar tissue. It was mostly true that it didn’t hurt any more. Every now and then when Locus did too much he could feel a twinge of pain, of something pulling. But here there was no pain, Felix’s touch was soft and gently explorative. He was slowly relearning Locus’ body, but he still knew how to touch him. He still knew exactly how to draw a sigh or a moan out of him.

“Can I take your shirt off.” Felix’s voice was getting rough too, even though Locus hadn’t moved his hands. Locus didn’t want to push, he wanted Felix to have complete control of this moment.

“Yes.” He shifted and let Felix pull his shirt off, let him toss it aside. He rested his hands back on Felix’s thighs as Felix leaned in to kiss him again, moaning softly against his mouth. 

Felix slowly moved his kisses down, biting the mark he’d made gently and making Locus gasp and shudder before he moved lower. He kissed Locus’ chest as his hands explored his abdomen, and Locus let every moan fall from his lips. 

“Felix…”

“I wanna suck your cock.” Felix leaned back again to look Locus in the eye. 

“Uh.”

“Is that okay? I wanna do that.” Felix was flushed, and he chewed his bottom lip slightly as he waited for Locus’ response. 

“Y-yes. It’s okay.” Locus moved his hands so he could prop himself up a bit more. “Do you want me to return the favour?”

“I haven’t decided yet.” Felix admitted as he shifted back to open Locus’ pants. “Ask me after?”

“Okay.”

\---

Felix wasn’t ready to be touched, not that way, not yet. He felt a little stupid admitting it, even as he sat between Locus’ legs watching him slowly come back to himself. He was hard, absolutely, he’d loved every second of getting Locus off, but…

“I’m sorry…” Felix shivered a little and shrugged. “I don’t know…”

“It’s okay.” Locus was breathless as he worked to sit up. “We do what we’re comfortable with. That’s been the rule since the beginning.”

Felix nodded slowly and still felt ridiculous. _He_ was the slut. His reputation for sexual relations was large and colourful and even mostly true. Sucking Locus off had been great, he’d loved every second of the giving. Everything about touching Locus and making him moan and squirm, that had been perfect. But the idea of being touched in return made his pulse pick up in a way that was not at all fun. “Sorry.”

“Please don’t apologise for giving me an orgasm.” Locus smirked a little and it made Felix laugh and shake his head. “I really liked that part.”

“Okay. Okay…” Felix smiled and shivered as he looked into Locus’ eyes. He was watching Felix with such an intense look of affection and… something… it made Felix’s chest hurt. But it was a good sort of hurt, like he just had too much of whatever he was feeling inside of him and it was far too strong. But it wasn’t a bad thing. It made him want to blush and laugh and take Locus by the hand and never let go. 

For a long moment neither of them said anything, just watched each other breathless and flushed.

“I…” Felix stammered to break the silence. “I am gonna take a shower. I’m sorry. I’m gonna… then we’ll do something. Okay?”

He awkwardly shuffled off the bed feeling flushed and embarrassed and… _something_ , something so huge it hurt.


	3. Slip Of The Tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the boys are just dumb

“Okay, list of fun summer activities according to the internet.” Felix stretched as he looked at his laptop. “Have sleepover with friends.”

“Well…” Locus raised an eyebrow slowly and looked around. “Done?”

Felix snorted. “We should see if the others wanna hang out though. See them in the real world too?”

“Okay, spend time with friends added to the list.” Locus nodded and wrote it down, he liked having things in writing.

“Order a pizza. Wash your dog… what the fuck kinda list is this?” Felix made a face. “Paint your nails… go to the beach… are we anywhere near a beach?”

Locus considered that. “Uh… a few hours drive.”

“Mm probably not then.” Felix made a face. “Write a book… wow that’s a heavy summer task. Uh… Ice cream… which we are definitely not doing. Maybe some other food… I dunno.”

“Foods can be accomplished. We can probably do that and walk some of the trails around here.” Locus considered as he wrote things down. 

“Go shopping, make juice…” Felix made a face. “Okay the internet is full of shit. Anyway I think we should do clothes shopping because I don’t have enough clothes to last the summer. And I want more shirts that say things on them.” 

“I’m sure we’ll somehow manage to find you shirts that say things on them.” Locus set down his notebook and yawned.

“I’ve been thinking about style things and stuff too… like have you ever thought about piercings? Like those are cool, right? I never thought to hard about them before ‘cause in a fight people just yank ‘em out… but I’m trying not to fight anymore so…” Felix tugged on his ears thoughtfully.

“I had noticed that, there a reason for your turn from violence?” Locus pulled on his shoes and Felix got up to slip on his boots.

“Uh. Just like, you know it’s time to grow up and move past that shit.” Felix blushed and glared at his boots as he tied them. “Once I turn 18 in stops being mischief, right? So… I’m just doing other things… now. Think I could pull off an earring?”

Locus smiled a little and nodded. “Yes, if you wanted to you could pull off an earring.”

“Cool… I kinda wanna bleach my hair again… I can’t make it grow out… which sucks a lot I wish Hargrove’d been fired _before_ he made me cut my hair. I think we could probably bleach it though…”

“I wouldn’t recommend that.” Locus said dryly as they headed out of the room.

“Why?” Felix wrinkled his nose. “Cause someone might make me dye it back or something?”

“No, because you have an open wound on your scalp.” Locus smiled a little as Felix remembered, then nodded.

“Okay fair, that’s a good point.” Felix reached to touch the cut now that he remembered it, as if to check if it was still there. It was.

“So I wouldn’t recommend doing much with your hair besides washing it for now.”

“Right… but I _could_ totally just go get my ear pierced today. If we see a place.” Felix crossed his arms and thought about the issue.

“If you do, you’ll have to deal with it healing and keeping it clean.”

“Don’t parent me I know what I’m doing.”

\---

“So… for the most part I definitely like touching you.” Felix mumbled, hugging a pillow to his chest as he tried to sort out his thoughts. “I like kissing you, and I like getting you off… _and_ in non-sexual situations I really like when you touch me. Like those casual things, I like that.”

Locus nodded, he was flushed and had only just put his clothes back on since their recent experiment. “But you don’t like it when I touch you in a sexual manner.”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t think that’s the right words for it. I just get… like, unsettled? It’s you and I know it’s you but it’s like some part of my brain can’t tell the difference and freaks out. Which is stupid, I like the rest of it.” Felis pressed his face against the pillow and groaned with frustration. “Like getting you off, that’s really great and super hot. And I definitely get turned on. So it’s not… I dunno. But I still… freak out. It’s stupid.”

“It’s really not. It’s a really understandable reaction.” Locus sat up slowly to watch Felix, he didn’t reach out. Felix appreciated that, he felt raw and uncomfortable and just wanted to sulk mostly.

“It’s not, it’s stupid. I got over it before. It was even worse before! Why is _this_ time fucking me up like this when I was able to fuck before?” Felix felt like he could scream, in his head it should make sense. It was Locus, not anyone else, it was Locus. Being with Locus was never dangerous, it was never upsetting. Not like this. It was so _fucking_ stupid. “It’s you. You’re safe! Like you… I’m not afraid of you, you make me feel good so why… _ugh_.”

“You’ve never had a reaction like this before?” Locus raised an eyebrow slowly and Felix glared at him.

“Of fucking course I’ve had reactions like this before. But it’s never… you’re _different_. When I’d get panicky before it was some stranger or something. You’re…” He sighed and gestured with his hands. “I _trust_ you. You’re not… you’re important. You make me feel safe. So it’s so stupid to feel like _this_ because _you’re_ touching me.”

Locus smiled very softly. “I don’t think your trauma reactions care… But we can keep trying? Maybe if we move slowly you’ll get more comfortable?”

Felix groaned and shoved his face into the pillow again, his voice becoming muffled. “I used to have the roughest nastiest sex. Ross didn’t even really _do_ anything. I mean he did plenty but like… He _just_ touched me, he just like… humped at my leg. Like it shouldn’t… it’s so…”

“Felix. It’s not stupid. The things you did before you did by choice. That’s the difference.”

“Well I’m choosing to do this! But my… whatever won’t let me. I should just… I should be fine. It’s been like… practically a year. I should be fine.” Felix scrubbed his face and took a shaky breath, he hated this feeling. Like he was helpless and losing himself to the parts of his mind he had no control over. “We can keep trying?”

“We can. We’ll work through this. And if you never feel like you did before then that’s okay too.” Locus held out his hands and Felix took them after a moment of consideration.

“I just don’t want to be this anymore. _This_ is pathetic.” Felix slowly shifted to let go of the pillow and lean against Locus. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. I know. It’s our secret, we’ll work through it together. Though you might want to talk to your therapist?”

“I am _not_ telling my therapist. Can you seriously imagine? ‘Yeah I’m having a problem and it’s that I can’t manage to have sex with my-- you.’” Felix stammered a second then covered his face with his hands.

“Your…” Locus sounded amused.

“My you. You’re mine. Obviously. Who else would you belong to. Stop being ridiculous.” Locus started to laugh so Felix grabbed his pillow again and hit him with it. “Shut the fuck up, you explain _us_ to an outside party. Asshole.”

Locus continued to laugh as he guarded himself from attack. “We could just try being something definable?”

They both kind of froze at that, Felix stared at Locus his mind going both blank and a mile a minute. It wasn’t an unreasonable thought. People thought they were dating anyway. They kind of acted like they were dating. They planned on a future with each other and… what would change if they did something official. Put a label on it. Would something be different? Felix had never officially been in a relationship. Not like this. 

He’d had long term sex partners, and then he’d had Locus. Locus who he needed, Locus who made him feel safe, who held him and… 

It would mean a definitive need for emotions. Romance wasn’t just ‘I need you close to me’ or ‘you make me feel good’. There was supposed to be love and depth and what if Felix couldn’t do that? What if Felix was only capable of shallow? No one had ever loved him before, and in return he’d never loved anyone. Ross had declared love, but Ross was obsessed. Felix was smart enough to know the difference between love and obsession. What if he couldn’t love Locus? He felt something. Something big and important, something that made the idea of letting go terrifying but… what if it wasn’t enough? 

What if _he_ wasn’t enough? He was defective, he was so obviously defective. Locus was the first person he’d ever been affectionate with for the sake of affection. The first person he’d felt _anything_ for besides finding them convenient. It wasn’t lust. Lust was there, Locus was extremely attractive. But if someone created a clone that looked exactly like Locus but wasn’t Locus it wouldn’t be the same. It _had_ to be Locus. He didn’t have feelings for anyone else. He cared about his friends, but they were _friends_ in an absolute sense. There was a difference between the feelings he had about his friends and the feelings he had _for_ Locus.

What if that was it? What if love was as simple as that? ‘I need you’, ‘I want you’, ‘be close to me’. It seemed too… something. It felt immense and immeasurable but it was _new_. He didn’t know what to do with it. 

He’d frozen too long, Locus was blushing and backtracking. “We don’t have to change anything I was just thinking it might be easier, we don’t have to do anything. It was just a thought. Don’t--”

Felix lept from the bed, he had no idea what to do. What did a person do with feelings? What the fuck was the point to feelings. This was the stupidest thing in the world. “I… need to go for a walk.” He announced feeling absolutely stupid with conflicting emotions. “I will be back.”

And with that he bolted.

\---

Locus sat in the bed staring at the door for a long while after Felix had fled. 

He’d fucked up. It had popped out of his mouth because it seemed fitting and casual and right and of course it hadn’t been right. They’d been discussing Felix’s emotional trauma it had absolutely been the wrong moment. In every way it had been wrong.

In one sentence he’d ruined everything. He’d made Felix run. He’d misjudged the situation and ruined everything. And he had no idea how to make it right.

He’d tried taking it back and then Felix had run. He hated intensely that they didn’t have cellphones. It had seemed pointless when they thought about not being able to use them in school but they’d be so useful now. He’d have no idea where Felix went or what happened. Felix did stupid things in a panic and Felix had truly seemed panicked.

He should have run after him, but at the same time Felix needed space. If he was running he needed space. He should respect that. 

Should have respected it more. He was going to let Felix take control, he needed control and then he’d broken that and asked.

He was in love with Felix. He knew that, had known it for months, ages, and kept it a secret. He didn’t want to scare Felix and he’d known it would scare Felix and still… It didn’t even seem like a good idea at the time, the instant he’d said it he’d wished he hadn’t, but if he backtracked too quickly then it would look worse. But then Felix had been silent for so long.

This was stupid. This was stupid and awful and Locus had no idea how to fix it. What did you even do in a situation like this? Was there an appropriate ‘sorry I asked to be your boyfriend’ protocol? 

He’d fucked everything up.


	4. Put A Name On It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're both idiots

“You pierced your ear.” Kaylee did not look impressed, standing in the doorway to her home. Felix was extremely glad Abbey had suggested swapping addresses now, even if at the time everyone had very pointedly Not Mentioned when he didn’t hand _his_ over.

“No, I paid someone else to do it for me.” Felix bounced on the balls of his feet and chewed his lip.

Kaylee studied him for a long moment before holding the door open to let him in. “I assume there’s a reason you’re here.”

“I may have fucked up.” Felix admitted as he walked into the house.

“That is the most surprising thing I’ve ever heard.” Kaylee rolled her eyes and pointed Felix to the kitchen. She got a couple cans of coke out of the fridge and handed one over to Felix. “What did you do?”

“Locus and I were talking and I guess at some point it got serious, but whatever and it was fine it was cool. But I think Locus asked me out? Like official sort of. Not like out on a date but like ‘hey wanna put a label on our relationship’ or whatever. Like. To be something. And I… may have run. Away. I ran away. And now I’m here. And uh. Anyway that was a couple hours ago? And I don’t know what I’m doing.” Felix babbled it all as quickly as he could then took a drink of his coke.

Kaylee put a hand on her hip and frowned at him for a long moment before sighing. “You’re an idiot.”

“I know.”

“So do you _not_ want to be his boyfriend? You’re practically dating already. You literally do everything dating people do except admit it.” Kaylee opened her can and dropped into a chair. 

“I don’t know. I mean. If it’s a thing it can be taken away right? Like real things can stop being things. If we aren’t a thing I can’t lose the things because it wasn’t a thing.” Felix took a drink to derail the absurdity of the thought process. “Like. I really care about Locus, right? I just like… what if that’s not enough? Admitting we’re in a relationship means admitting like. Feelings. Like emotional feelings. And I don’t… know if I have those?” Felix made a face and stared very fixedly at his can.

“Bullshit, you’re here freaking out. That’s a feeling.” 

“Okay but like. Like important feelings. Love feelings. Or whatever. Like fine I feel things but what if they’re not the right things? Or good enough things? I mean I’ve never felt things like this for anyone. Ever. In my entire life.” Felix put down his coke so he could gesture as he spoke. “I mean. Just. What if it’s not enough? I mean you’re supposed to be in love in a relationship and I don’t know if I am. Like I feel stuff but it might not be the right stuff, then I let him down and wreck everything.”

“Well isn’t that _entirely_ up to the two of you? Like you’re not getting married, talk about it or something. That’s, I guess, not everything relationships are built on. My mom says love’s fine and all but relationships are I guess about work and shit? Like you’re literally asking me, I have no idea what you’re expecting me to know about being in love.” Kaylee made a face and Felix nodded sheepishly.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know. I panicked. I… Abbey’s all sugar and Anthony seems like he’d have less an idea than either of us so I… I don’t know.” Felix rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. “I don’t know what to do. I mean it’d be one thing if I hadn’t fucking run off. But I wasn’t expecting it, I panicked and ran. And here I am. I fucked it up and like… how do I even face him after this? Like you don’t react to that kind of question by running. That’s a pretty definite and negative answer.”

“Do you want to say no then?” Kayle raised an eyebrow.

“No! I mean I don’t know. Probably not. I mean… god I should have just talked to him. I care about him and I want him in my life, and he makes me happy and those are the things that are supposed to matter? Like who the fuck knows about love? Love’s goddamn nonsense. Emotions are bullshit.” Felix groaned and scrubbed his hands through his hair wincing as he bumped the cut, he waved off Kaylee’s confused look at that. “I need him, but what if all I’m feeling is like selfish bullshit not like… romantic love shit.”

“So you _do_ want to be with him, you’re just worried you don’t love him completely right?” Kaylee furrowed her brows as she worked to follow Felix’s admittedly panicked babbling.

“I guess? Maybe. I want to be with him, wherever that leads. I like the idea of making a future with him. I’ve just never loved before period let alone this romantic bullshit. So how am I supposed to know if I’m doing it right? There’s no like… scale for this. And books always describe love like such bullshit. I don’t feel like some sort of stupid nature metaphor I just feel… emotional. And stupid.” Felix sighed and sipped his coke again. 

“Well, whatever that sounds good enough to me? I mean… if Locus is okay with that then work from there. We kind of all know you’re a mess, chances are he’s not gonna be surprised if you say some bullshit ‘I don’t understand my feelings but’ or whatever.” Kaylee picked up a phone as it buzzed and Felix sat silently considering what she said until she laughed.

“What?”

“You’re both fucking idiots.” She shook her head. “Go fucking talk to Locus, he just sent me a message on Skype. You both actually know how to communicate with each other, so do that.”

“Locus messaged you? What did he say?” Felix got up but Kaylee tucked her phone away.

“Go talk to him and find out. I’m not your go between.”

\---

‘I think I may have fucked everything up.’ Locus had no idea what to do so he messaged Kaylee. Of all their friends Kaylee understood Felix best. If anyone could tell him what to do _about_ Felix it would be Kaylee. And pacing the room fretting for the past few hours had gotten him no where.

‘... you’re both idiots.’

‘I know. I don’t know what to do, Felix ran off.’ Locus sent off the message, then read Kaylee’s again. 

‘Both?’

‘I’m sending him back to you. Talk to each other. Why do you think I have relationship advice?’

‘You’re mature and sensical?’

‘I’ve never been in a relationship in my life deal with your feelings yourself.’

‘Sorry. Thank you.’

‘Goodbye.’

Locus closed his laptop and looked around the room with a sigh. This was ridiculous. Everything about this was ridiculous. He should have just kept his mouth shut. Everything would have been easier if he’d just kept his mouth shut.

What was he going to say? Did he just apologise for everything? Explain himself fully? What would be the best tactic? Felix would appreciate honesty, but honesty might just be overwhelming. Honesty got them into this mess.

He lay down on the bed and covered his face with his hands. How had he fucked everything up so much with one sentence? 

He lay on the bed for a while trying to think of what to do before he finally heard the door. He lept off the bed and went to meet Felix who still looked panicked.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything.” Locus blurted before he could think of anything better to say.

“I shouldn’t have run. I. Uh.” Felix stumbled then scrubbed his hands over his face. “So I have no fucking idea how to deal with emotional stuff? Like I don’t… know. Feelings. I just. I have no idea.”

“You don’t have to, I shouldn’t have pushed or asked or anything. I’m happy with what we have I just--”

“I. I would like… to try an official thing. That… I don’t know we can try? I don’t even know what would change if we tried something official but. I mean I’m going to try. Like really hard to figure out this feelings bullshit but I don’t know if I’m feeling them _well _enough because I’m like… I’m fucking. I’m a goddamn mess. But I care about you and I need you and I want to have a future with you and I’ll try and be more than that but I don’t really know how so I’m definitely going to fuck this up so when I do please still be my friend because I honestly don’t know if I could stand it if you stopped being in my life.” Felix stopped pausing for air at some point during that statement and had to gasp when he got to the end.__

__“I want to be with you. You as you are. I don’t want you to have to change yourself because then you wouldn’t be you.” Locus bit his lip and looked down. “I don’t know what I’m doing either, I’ve never been close like this with anyone. I want to make this work but if we don’t I would really appreciate it if we could stay friends. But I would really like to give… boyfriends? A shot.”_ _

__“I think uh. I think we could give boyfriends a shot.” Felix smiled hesitantly and shrugged. “I mean I think I’d like to. I mean… I don’t know what we’d change right now really like… I mean I just. We do a lot of dating stuff anyway. But I know there’s emotional stuff and I’m just. I’m just such a fucking mess, Locus. I’m a goddamn mess. I will try to sort out that mess but I. I might not be. Emotionally. Good at this. At romance. I have no idea how to romance. I don’t know.”_ _

__“I have no idea either.” Locus admitted. “I haven’t the faintest clue. I’m guessing my way through this too.”_ _

__“Okay. Okay then… then we’ll both… uh we’ll have a fuck up forgiveness system? Since we both don’t know what we’re doing? Like you could forgive me running away. That would be an excellent example of a forgiveness system.” Felix grinned a little._ _

__Locus smiled and nodded. “I think there should be a ‘talk about it’ system too, or we’ll just continue to mess this up.”_ _

__“Definitely. Definitely. Like when we started having sex, we talk it out and like. Whatever everyone’s comfortable with. And stuff. Like _I_ am not sure if, at this time, I am quite ready for deep emotional shit. ‘Cause I have no idea how my emotions work and I need time to sort them out.”_ _

__“I can accept that, you have the time that you need. Just, feel free to talk to me about them if you need help?” Locus reached and took Felix’s hands in his and squeezed them gently._ _

__“I can try to do that. I am not… the best. At any of this. At all.” Felix stepped up to Locus and leaned his forehead against his chest. “I will try to learn.”_ _

__“I can accept that too. You’re you, that’s who I want to be with. I just want to be there with you while we figure it out.”_ _

__“Yeah… yeah okay. That. That works. We can do this. I can…” Felix sighed and leaned back. “Dead serious I am going to fuck so many things up. Seriously. I have never done love or anything like it before in my life I wouldn’t know it to recognise it I have _no_ idea what I’m doing.”_ _

__Locus laughed and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “That’s okay. We’ll work it out together.”_ _

__“Okay… okay.” Felix nodded, then leaned up to kiss Locus properly. “So I guess… boyfriends, then?”_ _

__“Yeah. I guess boyfriends.”_ _


	5. Being Official

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abbey really would pout if they didn't tell her...

All things considered boyfriends wasn’t too different than what they were doing already. Sometimes Felix panicked a little when he thought about it though. That there was supposed to be something more than what he was doing to being a boyfriend. Novels were really bad at showing what dating was supposed to be like. They’d already gone through a lot of the steps a dating couple went through, only backwards. Making out to having sex to casual touch to gentle affection to finally eventually declaring a relationship status. 

Maybe that’s why it felt like there should be something more, they’d taken the steps backwards and they were already doing most of it. A lot of media seemed to view sex as the end all be all of romantic declaration. That was ‘taking the relationship to the next level’. But Felix had had sex with people he didn’t know the names of. How did it become the next level when it was one of the first levels? This might have counted, when Locus was still unsure and they were still sizing each other up, then sex would have been another level of relationship. But they’d _done_ that. Sure it was presenting itself as a bit of a hump all over again but Felix didn’t think this was what relationship step-ladders meant. ‘Slowly deal with being traumatised together’ seemed like a totally different sort of step. 

Part of him thought maybe he was just supposed to say things like ‘I love you’ all the time or something but that felt wrong. Not necessarily a lie, but somehow not fully truthful. It wasn’t _him_ to say shit like that so he would have to be faking it. Which would make it a lie. He wasn’t going to do that. 

So they were just… boyfriends. Doing the same thing they were already doing. Basically.

“We should go to that cake place from last year. Celebrate or something. Shit we could get two and have the guys over. Make like… no not like an announcement party but we should hang out anyway and you know Abbey’d be disappointed if we didn’t tell her right away.” Felix stretched as Locus found his way to the coffee and worked to wake up.

“Cake would be nice. Also friends.” Locus mumbled and sat in a chair and drank his coffee. 

“Take your time, Zombie. I’ll ask them if they wanna do anything, you work on putting caffeine in your body.” Felix laughed and shook his head.

“Anthony won’t be awake yet.” Locus pointed out, then Felix checked the time, it was only 10AM. Christmas had fairly solidly proven that if Anthony didn’t _have_ to wake up he _didn’t_ wake up. At least for most of the day. 

“Well shit.” Felix made a face and considered his course of action. “I’ll send them messages, you wake up, we go get cake, see how it goes from there? ‘Cause I mean either way we should get cake.”

“Cake is good. The cake we got last time was really good.” Locus nodded thoughtfully.

“I figure we get one chocolate again and one vanilla ‘cause I’m curious what the vanilla tastes like. Plus what better way to reach my goal of getting fat than multiple cakes?” Felix grinned 

“Cake is probably quite helpful in gaining weight.” Locus frowned a bit. “That reminds me we should get a blender. Protein shakes would help you build muscle mass too. You don’t badly need muscle mass, but I think it’s a good idea.”

“You know whenever we talk about this it always seems so weird.” Felix laughed and shook his head. “I mean. When is the conversation ever ‘I need to gain weight’? Or ‘I can’t stop losing weight’? Like half the people in our school would kill to have this problem.”

“You’ve got different problems than what people are used to. Plus there’s a whole women’s standards of beauty and… politics.” Locus’ face took on a pinched expression. “It’s a loaded subject for a lot of people.”

“Yeup.” Felix winced, but laughed a little as he settled into a chair. “I guess I technically should care more about gaining weight the right way but it’s not like Charon’ll let us have all this sugary shit anyway. That’s what summer’s for, right?”

“I figure we’re young enough to rebound from eating junk food most of the summer.” Locus laughed and finished his coffee. 

“Ah to be young and full of sugar.” Felix cracked his back with a sigh. “Alright let’s move.”

\---

“This is a pretty nice place to spend the summer.” Abbey looked around the living area with a grin. “Havin’ fun?”

“Yup.” Felix grinned and pointed for them to sit down. 

“Did you sort out your issues from the other day?” Kaylee raised an eyebrow as she sat down too. 

“Yup to that too.” Felix made a face at her as Locus brought out paper plates so everyone could dig into the cake.

“What issue?” Abbey looked up at them curiously and suddenly the idea of actually saying it seemed incredibly embarrassing. 

“Uh. We decided…” Felix was blushing now and he hated that, but Kaylee was smirking at him. “We’re boyfriends now.”

“‘Bout fucking time.” Anthony rolled his eyes.

“You don’t get cake.” Felix crossed his arms and glared at Anthony.

“You’ve been not-quite-dating for like a year and a half.” Abbey pointed out. “So I mean, it’s good you’ve finally decided to stop bein’ all… ‘no we’re not dating we’re just doin’ everything people do when they’re dating.’”

“I’m pretty sure Locus and I could eat these cakes ourselves. If we really tried.”

Locus gently ruffled his hair after he set the cakes on the table.

“We’re happy for you.” Kaylee shook her head. “We’re just also happy you stopped dancing around the issue. You guys weren’t exactly subtle.”

“I guess.” Felix wrinkled his nose. “Either way whatever we’re all labelled and shit now. Tadah.”

Locus snorted and began cutting the cakes. “As you can see it has changed us dramatically.”

Abbey giggled and took the cake offered to her. “Oh wow this is fancy!”

“Yeah we tried their shit last year and it was great.” Felix flopped into a chair and took his own plate. 

“I feel like we’re at your wedding or something.” Anthony said dryly. 

“Oh fuck you.” Felix stuck out his tongue at him. “Just enjoy the goddamn cake.”

“So dramatic.” Kaylee snorted. “No if you assholes got married it would end up being way more ridiculous than this.”

“We literally just decided to be in a relationship can we not talk about marriage yet? Maybe. We’re 17.” Felix made a face and Locus finally sat down with his own cake.

“You _did_ give me a wedding ring once.” Locus said with a bit of a smirk.

“Oh my _god_ shut up.” Felix threw his head back with exasperation.

“You did _what_?” Abbey squeaked with a delighted giggle.

“It was over a year ago. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn’t realise it was a _wedding_ ring.” Felix groaned and turned his attention to his cake. 

“How do you not realise something is a wedding ring?” Kaylee asked dryly.

“It was just a nice looking ring! I dunno. Whatever fuck you guys.” Felix made a face and Locus kissed his temple. “You’re a jerk. You gave me a ring too!”

“You _did_?” Abbey was too amused by all of this.

“I did.” Locus said levelly, Felix shoved his shoulder.

“Fuck you, you’re such an asshole.”

\---

“So have you worked out all the scary emotional bullshit?” Kaylee leaned against the counter as Felix dug through the fridge for more pop.

“Not even remotely.” He grinned and handed her a can. “We have agreed that I have no idea what we’re doing and I’m going to fuck up a lot, but what the fuck?”

“‘What the fuck’ seems like a good sentiment to start a relationship on.” Kaylee snorted and took the can. 

“Well that’s just kinda how we do things around here. Like complete assholes.” Felix nodded sagely and glanced into the living room where Locus was nodding along with something Abbey was saying. 

“Yeah something like that.” Kaylee sighed and watched them too. “You really took the messy option and ran with it.”

“It’s what I do. Make the worst choices and then commit to them like an asshole. I’m selfish that way.” Felix shrugged in a feigned nonchalance. He was still desperately worried he was going to end up ruining Locus’ life, but he was too far gone to quit now.

“You do have a natural gift for making bad decisions.” 

“I know, it’s my real talent. I kinda like this one though.” Felix grinned sheepishly.

“Well, good job then. I hope you two can make it. You’ve been doing pretty well so far, I guess. That’s generally a good sign.”

“Known each other for two years now, so it’s not like it’s gonna be a lot of surprises. It’s really just… a name on it.” It was more than that, really, but Felix didn’t have the words for it. And it was private. It was something that Locus and Felix were going to have to figure out.

“Well keep it up then, I guess. We don’t need another great divide at our lunch table.” Kaylee pushed off the counter and headed to the living room again.

“Yeah, that’s the plan.” Felix muttered as he followed. 

\---

He wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t. He was perfectly logical and not afraid and--

“Nope.” Felix rolled off Locus and then off the bed itself and sat on the floor working to get air back in his lungs. Some stupid useless part of him was screaming at him to run and hide and get away and it was a desperate fight for a moment not to crawl to the bathroom and lock the door.

Slowly Locus eased off the bed to sit beside him on the floor as Felix gasped for breath, he waited, let Felix get back to form before he said anything. “Do you need anything?”

“I need to _not_ be a fucking coward about something I _actually fucking like_!” Felix covered his face with his hands and growled with frustration. “I like having sex, I really like having sex with you. I haven’t been able to do so in almost a year and it’s _bullshit_.”

“You’re not a coward.” Locus said firmly and Felix gave him a sharp look. “You’re not.”

“I have panic attacks when I get touched a certain way! And to make it all worse I _want_ to be touched that way. We had so much _fun_ last year. It was so normal, there were no guards or other students walking around or anyone to walk in on us. My arm was barely out of its cast when Ross attacked me. It’s been so long it shouldn’t _be_ like this.” 

“We have fun without having sex.” 

“That’s not what I mean! I mean. I mean I want to have sex. We’re doing this thing. This official… _thing_. And I _hate_ feeling like I’m scared of you. Like I’m fucking this up already.” Felix buried his face in his knees and forced himself to breathe. He hated how obvious this was making it that he was fucked up. He was so used to dealing with so many things in private, having to deal with this so obviously was everything he hated. He felt so weak.

“We don’t have to have sex. You aren’t fucking this up because we can’t have sex, Felix. I’m going to be here with you regardless.” Locus sighed softly. “ _I_ still get scared, and I didn’t go through nearly as much as you did.”

“...what?” 

“When I think about it… how close I came to dying, sometimes I can’t help but get caught in how much it all hurt. I hate not being in control of myself, I should admit it more, but I hate it. But sometimes I just get caught in the blood and the pain and the weakness. I didn’t do anything, _couldn’t_ do anything. It’s. It’s normal. It’s normal for this to be terrifying. We nearly died.” Locus held out a hand slowly, and Felix hesitantly took it. “You were attacked in your own bed. Where you thought you were safe. _When_ you thought you were safe. He took your mind from you. When you were safe he took it all. It’s hard to trust safety again once you lose it.”

Felix hunched his shoulders up and squeezed Locus’ hand tightly. He could feel the pinch and fold of the thick scars on the palm of his hand. “I was in your bed. It smelled like you and I wanted to be close to you. So I curled up in your bed.” He tucked his head against Locus’ shoulder. “It’s so stupid. When I woke up I was so out of it I just thought I was with you. I realised you wouldn’t while I was asleep, and he didn’t touch me like you did, I realised that. I realised it wasn’t you. I knew it. But I was in your bed and I could smell you and part of me didn’t wanna deal with it. I just wanted to go back to sleep and pretend it was you ‘cause if it was you it would make sense. And I think I ruined it. I ruined everything.”

Locus was quiet for a long moment. “Tomorrow we’ll buy new soap. New shampoo, everything. We’ll go shopping and we’ll change how I smell. Maybe that will help? Even if it’s not to have sex, even just to make you feel better. We’ll get things that smell different.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I thought of you, like that, while that was… It’s so _wrong_. It’s so wrong. I-I just wanted… I didn’t want it to be happening.” Felix hiccuped a little as he gasped for breath. “It’s so stupid. He didn’t even touch me like you, it jumped me out of it so fast I knew it wasn’t you. I _knew_ it. But I wanted it to be because if it was you it wouldn’t be happening. If it was you it would be safe. It _wasn’t_. And it’s so fucked up that I did that…”

“Felix, it’s okay.” Locus whispered. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You did your best to make it through. And you did. You survived. You’re here right now and we’re dealing with it and it’s okay. If you had to think of me to get here, then… fine. That’s fine. We’ll get through this. We’ll do what it takes to make you feel safe again, okay?”

Felix sighed heavily against Locus’ shoulder and nodded slowly. “Tell me when you feel it. Don’t deal with that alone anymore, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll let you know. We’ll work through this together.” Locus squeezed Felix’s hand gently. “This isn’t how it’s going to be forever.”

“Okay… Okay.” Felix closed his eyes and leaned against Locus.


	6. Summer Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shower thoughts and deep fried food

“Um… This one’s kinda minty?” Felix sniffed the soap curiously and made a face. “Or uh. Menthol? What’s the not mint but still like smells cold one?”

“I think probably menthol, though it’s a mint extract so it’s still mint.” Locus sniffed the offered bottle and shrugged a little. “It’s not bad?”

“Yeah… maybe…” Felix didn’t look completely sure so Locus turned to look through the other products lining the shelf. 

They didn’t need salon quality shampoos, but Felix had demanded. If they were getting something for Locus’ hair they were getting something good so they didn’t end up ruining it. Locus didn’t think just getting regular shampoo would ruin his hair, he’d had it long for long enough, and used enough drug store shampoos. 

“A lot of these smell like flowers. Or fruits, plum, strawberry, apple… Why plum? Like the others I kinda get but why are there so many scented like plum?” Felix wrinkled his nose and set another bottle down. “Or they just kinda smell like… nothing? Like a kinda soap non-scent…”

“Some people are very sensitive to fragrances…” Locus pointed out. “They probably don’t want scented soaps.”

“Eh… I guess. What’s the point of it if it doesn’t smell good though?”

“Cleaning?”

Felix stuck out his tongue at Locus and found another bottle, smelling it briefly and then setting it down with an unhappy face. “Oh. Why would someone want something that smelled like tar?”

“Why did you pick up the dandruff shampoo?” Locus raised an eyebrow and looked over at Felix’s previous selection. 

“Is that what it is? Is tar for dandruff?” Felix sneezed and rubbed his face. “You don’t have dandruff so I guess you don’t have to smell like tar.”

“I am very grateful.” Locus said dryly and picked up another bottle. “This one’s nice?”

Felix leaned over to smell it and hummed thoughtfully. “What is it? It’s like… minty and then…”

“It says it is lavender, mint and tea tree oil. For deep cleaning and moisture…” Locus frowned thoughtfully and read the back of the bottle. “Calms the mind and spirit. That might not hurt.”

Felix took the bottle from Locus’ hand and looked it over. “Well it’s a good smell… you’ll be clean, smell good and be calming.”

“The lavender is only in the moisturising shampoo and conditioner, but there’s a whole tea tree line…” Locus pointed out. He was kind of fond of the smell, so he hoped Felix liked it too… and if it was supposed to be soothing, he wouldn’t mind having a soothing scent the next time Felix had a panic attack.

“Soap, lotion, aftershave…” Felix plucked products off the shelf and sniffed them thoughtfully. “Maybe? I kinda like it… You’ll smell really clean and fresh and shit.”

“Everything except deodorant, but we can find something to compliment I guess.” Locus took the large shampoo and conditioner bottles from Felix’s hands as he grabbed the other grooming products. It seemed excessive, but Locus reminded himself it wasn’t just buying himself grooming products, it was trying to make Felix feel safe. That was important enough to spend the exorbitant prices for salon quality goods. If it made Felix feel safe.

At least they did have enough money to be a little frivolous. Even if Locus was pretty sure they could find something tea tree scented at Wal-Mart, doing things fancy seemed to make Felix feel better too. 

“You ready to smell like a tree?” Felix grinned as he held out a basket full of things Locus probably didn’t need. 

“Absolutely. More than anything else in the world.”

\---

Showers always seemed to be the place where rumination happened. It wasn’t as if Locus planned on standing under the water, finger-combing conditioner through his hair, and thinking about the issues going on in his life, beyond maybe the sharp scent of his new body wash or the flowery-woodsy scent of his new conditioner. But… the scar tissue on his stomach was impossible to ignore. Even healed mostly it was a strange raised line of oddly coloured skin. He looked at it as his fingers traced it and his mind wandered. It was ridiculous to still feel afraid, when he thought of it logically it wasn’t that big of a deal. In the grand scheme of his life… he had recovered from this. He had healed, and save for occasional aches and a strange tightness when he moved he was fine. He’d nearly died, but he _hadn’t_. While the event of being stabbed had been awful, most of it he didn’t remember. Between his body’s reaction to the pain and passing out so shortly afterward all he really remembered was the feeling of impact.

It was, in a way, hard to actually remember pain. He remembered that it had hurt, that he’d been nearly immobilised for months by the pain. But he couldn’t call up the exact sensation. He’d read somewhere that the mind does that, blocks out the memory of severe pain so it can recover. So it seemed so completely silly to be afraid. Of an event he couldn’t remember clearly, of pain his mind had purged. Of an almost. There hadn’t been an intense build up, there wasn’t a moment of horror leading up to his injury, it had simply happened. He remembered being more confused than scared. What had happened? Why was he so weak all of a sudden? He hadn’t really been afraid until he’d woken up in the hospital.

It wasn’t until he realised what happened that he became afraid of it. When he found out how close he came to dying. That’s when the horror had struck him. After all if he had died there what would he have been? What would he have had in his life? Sixteen years of dull, empty disconnect. Sixteen years of moving through life without caring about anyone or knowing what he wanted. Two of those years spent in complete separation from his emotions, trying to be a drone, trying to slip through life without ever once touching it.

Then one year of colour. He would have died with one year of happiness, friends, connection. Only one year of his life would have had any meaning to it at all. It was the one year that something mattered to him. The fear more than anything else, was of only having that one year. He felt a little like his life didn’t matter until he met people who cared about him. His life didn’t matter until Felix. Though he felt extremely stupid when he thought of it that way, but there was a truth to it. He’d never touched any life, he was passed around from home to home and never once bothered to really connect. He moved through classes without getting to know anyone he sat by, he didn’t know the names of the students in his classes, he barely bothered to remember his teachers. Everyone he knew would pass from his life just as quietly and unimportantly as they’d entered. Just as Locus moved through everyone else’s life. 

If he had died without having met Felix no one ever would have known who he was. He wouldn’t even have known. He would have simply been a person moving through the motions of life, to get to the next step. He would have died and no one would have noticed but the people who cleaned up the mess.

He would have been like Ross. People making up stories about him because no one in life had ever spoken to him. People would pretend to be sad, because death was a sad thing, but it wouldn’t affect anyone’s life except for being an inconvenience for the people who had to fill out the paperwork.

He was afraid of all the things that could have been, and what a waste it would have been to die without having done anything with his life. 

Felix wanted him to talk about it. To make it an even playing field, as Felix struggled through the steps of his own trauma and his own fear. But it seemed so… inconsequential. To compare his fear to Felix’s was an insult. He was afraid he might have died, and died without ever meaning anything. How did he bring that up without sounding… petty and childish. 

His parents were likely dead. He’d had no real illusions about mortality, at least he hadn’t thought he did. He’d thought he understood that people die, and the finality of that. But it had never been him. He knew he would die, but it was a far off distant thing. He knew people died but it was so disconnected from himself. Maybe his parents had died but he had never known them to mourn them. A boy his age, his class, his school had died, had died in his room. Had killed himself with the same blade he had used to try and kill Locus. 

It made everything about mortality very clear and close and immediate. 

Felix needed him to talk about it, Felix needed to know he wasn’t alone and he wasn’t a coward. No matter how empty it all seemed Locus was going to have to find a way because he wanted to be what Felix needed.

“Are you trying to drown in there? Did you fall asleep?” Felix called from outside the bathroom. “Zombie I know it’s _only_ eleven o’clock but we gotta get moving!”

Locus shook himself out of his thoughts, he’d spent a long time just finger-combing his hair and staring at the water. Too long apparently. He rinsed his hair and got out. 

\---

Fairs, it turned out, were extremely full of people. So Felix held onto Locus’ hand as they weaved through the crowd. Luckily Locus hand the sort of look that inspired people to make way for him. It was loud and smelled like people who had spent all day in the sun, but Felix figured that was part of the experience. The main experience he was really interested in though was the food, and he dragged Locus here and there to find various stalls that sold all manner of deep fried snacks. Chocolates bars dipped in batter, fried up and served goey were Felix’s favourite so far. 

“Who gets the idea to fry some of this stuff. Like deep fried Kool Ade? Deep fried watermelon? Like who looked at a watermelon and thought ‘yeah but what if we dipped it in batter and stuck it in boiling oil?” Felix was gesturing wildly with his free hand and possibly somewhat overstimulated and giddy.

Locus made an undignified noise in response as he tried to dislodge himself from his candied apple. “Mm… It’s a competition now. Competitive spirit breeds creativity.” 

“They are definitely creative. I wonder what’s the weirdest we could try?” Felix looked around at the stalls surrounding them, they weren’t all selling fried foods, but they seemed to be the most popular.

“I think they make deep fried ice cream?” Locus wrinkled his nose thoughtfully as he considered his apple, as if trying to find a dignified way to continue eating it.

“While fascinating, I hate ice cream, so no… deep fried pickles… I can’t decide if that sounds horrible or not.” Felix frowned thoughtfully. “Wanna split one?”

“Sure.” Locus offered Felix his apple and Felix took a bite, getting stuck for a moment too. 

“Jesus christ that thing belongs in a dentist’s wet dream.” Felix winced and tried to unstick his teeth. 

“I’m sure that’s exactly how they advertise it too.” Locus made a face and attempted another bite.

“I am gaining at _least_ 10lbs here. Like at least. This is magnificent.” Felix cackled. “After this we should try that lemonade that always has a huge line and find some shade. How’s it always end up this hot over the summer?”

“Heat is generally what summer does. Occasionally it rains, but mostly it’s hot.” Locus commented dryly and ordered them deep fried pickles, which turned out to come in slices so they ditched the apple and munched on pickles as they waited for lemonade.

“Do you think we’ll get thunderstorms? I’ve always heard them over the summer, but people say they look awesome.” Felix hummed thoughtfully and looked at the sky.

“It is pretty humid and very hot, there’s a good chance we’ll get one soon.” Locus considered.

“Awesome. If we do we gotta watch it. They sound so cool.” Felix bounced on the balls of his feet giddily. 

After they got lemonade they managed to sneak in and get a spot in the shade right as a family left. Shady spots were growing rare as the day heated up. 

“Oh my god I’m gonna explode.” Felix groaned and leaned against Locus as they settled into the grass. “I don’t think I’ve ever eaten this much in my entire life.” 

Locus wrapped his arm around Felix’s waste and leaned back against the tree giving them shade. They drew odd looks, Felix started to notice. Sometimes he forgot, for all its failings, Charon was fairly forward-thinking when it came to gay kids. Probably because a lot of bad parents felt that a disciplinary school would “straighten them out”. That had never been the case and Charon had no status as a conversion school. Charon didn’t care if you were gay, Charon would just really appreciate it if you did your goddamn homework. He’d gotten too used to that casual attitude, it was making him jumpy to have people looking at him, it reminded him a lot more of the Murder Mobs. He had to remind himself that no one here knew anything about Ross, or him for that matter.

“So this is a fair.” Felix sighed and looked around, attempting casual. 

“This is a fair. There are rides too if you wanna check that out?” Locus suggested.

“Ugh.” Felix made a queasy noise and shook his head. “Maybe if we’d headed there first, but I think I’d just puke on everyone.”

“A charming image…” Locus nodded with a soft chuckle.

“So yeah let’s avoid that.” 

\---

They only _just_ made it back to the hotel when the sky opened up and poured rain and hail down on the streets behind them.

Felix howled with laughter and dragged Locus back to their room in a hurry to press against the window and watch the hail pound against it. He jumped as lightning flashed across the sky and gasped with delight. “ _That’s_ what it’s like.” He whispered and leaned his forehead against the window with a bright grin.

Locus found the small digital camera he’d bought and took a picture so he could always remember the delight on Felix’s face.

“Oh my god, you nerd!” Felix laughed when he noticed and stuck his tongue out at Locus, which Locus took a picture of too. “Come watch the storm! Look at this! Did you know this would happen tonight? When I asked?”

“I thought it might. That’s sort of what it feels like before storms.” Locus moved to Felix’s side and kissed his temple lightly. “I like that feeling right as the storm breaks. When everything’s heavy and you can feel it building in the air.”

Felix nodded and turned back to the window. “It’s wild. It’s such a shift from everything wet and heavy and hot to this.” He jumped again at the rumble of thunder then laughed. “This is so much better. Watching is so much better.”

“You never have to go back to that.” Locus stroked his hair gently. “You never have to go back to that room.”

Felix smiled slowly and lightning flashed again. “I’m free. For real this time. This year. From here on she can’t touch me. No one can touch me.”


	7. Relearning Intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A miracle moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter is late you guys! Yesterday just didn't end up working! I'm sorry!

Locus dozed on their bed as Felix rested his head against his chest at watched TV. He was almost dozing a bit himself, the world outside their air conditioned haven was humid and hot enough to melt the road patches. 

They’d stepped out just long enough to pick up Chinese food and had opted to not go out until the heatwave broke. It would have made Felix feel antsy if they didn’t have plenty of time to bullshit around town left. As it was it was nice to just have a quiet day, no stress, no planning, no going to things just lying in bed eating ginger beef as Locus kinda-snored and a bunch of very serious people explained that angels were actually aliens. It was less fascinating and more ‘the only thing on in the middle of the afternoon’. Unfortunately every day couldn’t be crime show marathon day.

Their room was quiet but for Locus’ breathing and the chatter on the TV and everything was just… peaceful. Felix realised in that moment, at least, he wasn’t afraid of anything. It was surprising, once he noticed it. The absence of fear, or anxiety, proved every moment other than this one had had it. Every second of every day had it buzzing somewhere in the background, logical or not, he was ready and nervous and thinking and bracing… but here was quiet. There was nothing he was afraid of.

It was such a bizarre miracle moment, Felix struggled to think of when he’d had a moment like this last. Even before Ross he’d always been on edge, always been ready for attack. Something was always coming there was always a shadow creeping up on him. 

Then there was this perfect moment. He sat up and took note of everything around him, wondering if there was something in particular that was different. Locus stirred as he moved and watched Felix as he looked around the room. “Is something wrong?”

“No.” Felix murmured as he looked back at him with a smile. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Locus made a soft amused noise and ran his hand gently down Felix’s back. “The sun’s making your freckles darker.” He had a half-asleep silliness to his voice and Felix shivered a little at the touch.

But he wasn’t afraid. Everything was really, really right. “Nerd.” He laughed a little and turned himself around to face Locus properly. “I always have freckles.”

“You have more freckles now than you did during winter.” Locus smiled and Felix took his hand and kissed it.

“Yeah? You count them?” Felix flashed teeth as he grinned and Locus snorted.

“No I can just tell. You’ve got a sort of… freckle mask. And all over your back.” 

“Well it’s too hot to keep a shirt on if I don’t have to.” Felix rolled his eyes as Locus shifted to sit up too.

“I like it. They’re very cute.” Locus leaned in and kissed Felix gently, then kissed his cheeks all over as if he was purposefully kissing his freckles. 

Felix laughed and pushed his face away. “Nerd! What guy wants to be cute?”

Locus shrugged a little and kissed Felix’s fingers. “Well I think you’re stuck with it. Freckles are universally cute.”

Felix made a disgruntled noise and kissed Locus to shut him up. He probably shouldn’t have thought so often that Locus was adorable if he didn’t want someone thinking of him that way. Rule of karma or something. Even if he was pretty sure if anyone bothered to get to know him they’d realise Locus was pretty fucking cute too. Felix was just short… and had freckles. Otherwise he was too much of an asshole to be cute.

He was feeling good, giddy, safe. It felt just right to lean into the kiss, to hold Locus a little tighter, to shift into his lap. He purred against Locus’ mouth and trailed a hand down his chest. No fear. Locus set his hands on Felix’s hips and kissed him back with an edge of hunger that made Felix shiver.

“You sure?” Locus murmured between kisses, and Felix bit Locus’ lip lightly. 

“Until I’m not.” Felix grinned a little and rolled his hips, enjoying the hitched gasp and the way Locus’ grip tightened a little. “Feels good right now.”

“Feels very good.” Locus agreed with a little rumble in his voice that shot a nice sort of heat through Felix’s body. “May I kiss your neck?”

“Please do.”

\---

Fear didn’t return all at once, it eased back into Felix like the tide, gently sliding back into its usual spot. It wasn’t a panic attack or anything overwhelming, his body just remembered how it normally existed. Felix sighed a little and buried his face against Locus’ chest. They were both spent and sleepy and curled in the sheets, just cleaned up enough so it wasn’t gross to nap off the afterglow. 

It had been a good moment, at least. And a nice hickey to prove to himself it had happened. Locus had touched him, and asked each time he did and Felix hadn’t thought about anyone except Locus as he watched, and squirmed. 

It wasn’t rough sex, it wasn’t aggressive or mean or even penetrative, it was just… good. Touching and feeling and not remembering. Felix felt a little like himself and a lot like someone he might be able to be. He liked the idea, maybe there wasn’t always going to be something to be afraid of. With his mother there was always a reason to be afraid, it made him careful. Charon had plenty to be afraid of, that was just common sense to be wary. But one day he wouldn’t be in Charon, and he’d never have to see his mother again and at that point maybe he wouldn’t have to be afraid.

Maybe he’d have Locus in his life, and no one actively trying to hurt him. No one trying to hurt him seemed like such a novel concept. Even as he lay settling back into his anxiety he considered a life where he wasn’t always bracing for a hit. Probably that was how normal people lived. He’d like to give living like that a shot. 

He didn’t know what kind of skills he had but he’d like to just try getting a normal job, a normal home, a normal boyfriend. Even if calling him normal seemed to be doing Locus a disservice. But it was a relationship now. A real thing, like normal people had. No maybes, ifs, or not reallys. Just… boyfriends. 

He almost thought for the first time in his life he was doing something like normal people did, but then he realised that he was living in a hotel with money he’d stolen from his mother. Enough money that they could rent an apartment while Felix looked for a job out of graduation. Enough money that they could pay for part of Locus’ school, depending on where he ended up going. That was all perhaps less normal… but there was a sentiment. He was living a life, unsupervised and unthreatened. 

He was afraid, he couldn’t not be, he didn’t really know how not to be, but he was safe. He was comfortable and in Locus’ arms he felt good. He could deal with this little nagging voice of anxiety, that was how he always felt, that was okay. He didn’t want to deal with the explosions, the panic attacks and the flashbacks, and he knew that was going to take work. He was willing to do it, if it meant something like this. Something like normal, lying in Locus’ arms.

That was worth working for.

\---

“I know I’m not _cured_.” Felix sighed as he leaned back on the couch with folded arms. “It was just nice. And I wish I could be like _that_ more often.”

Locus sighed and sat down beside him. “I just don’t want you to hurt yourself by pushing too hard.”

“You are such a hypocrite that’s basically all you did while you were recovering from your injury, you just pushed yourself too hard.” Felix stuck his tongue out at Locus.  
“There was a lot I needed to do, it’s not like school stopped just because I was injured.” Locus protested. “And this is different.”

“How is it different, we’re both recovering from shit and trying to work at our own pace. It’s almost been a year I don’t want to _still_ be like that.” Felix gestured and let his head roll back against the couch. “I wanna feel like a person again, like myself.”

“I know you do, but I don’t think it’s very healthy how hard you’re pushing yourself. You’re giving yourself flashbacks regularly now…” Locus took Felix’s hand gently and Felix turned to look at him.

“ _I’m_ fine with that, it’s… it’s getting better. It’s like training, right? You don’t get better if you don’t keep trying.” Felix didn’t want to admit he was pouting, but he probably was.

“I don’t know if it works that way with emotional things. I don’t want you to end up feeling worse because you pushed yourself too had.” 

“I’m not. I… is it making _you_ uncomfortable? Like is that it? To have sex right now… does it make you uncomfortable?” Felix chewed his lip and studied Locus’ face apprehensively.

“It… I don’t know. I worry. We start out fine but so often you go into an attack. I don’t like… doing something that’s probably going to upset you so much.” Locus shrugged a little and looked at their hands. “I don’t like making you feel unsafe.”

“But you _don’t_ make me feel unsafe. You’re safety! Basically. You make me feel comfortable and happy. It makes it all feel good and nice… And I’m sounding totally asinine but _you_ don’t make me feel bad.” Felix sighed and looked down. “This feels so stupid. It’s not… I don’t want to cut that out of my life. But, like, if it legit makes you uncomfortable I don’t wanna do that… I just don’t want you handling me with kid gloves.”

“I’ll try not to.” Locus kissed Felix’s fingers gently. “I care about you. I want to take care of you. I don’t like you hurting. I don’t want to cause it.”

“You’re not. Flashbacks cause problems, but flashbacks… those’re like… they’re gonna be a problem no matter what. It’s like. That’s me now. I guess. For a little while at least, but that’s the thing right? I gotta build up new memories to fight that one. Like overwrite it or something with the good stuff. ‘Cause we have good sex. And I wanna remember that and think of that.” Felix shrugged a little. “I want to have sex like myself again. I mean kinda. With you. I wanna… Ugh. I just don’t want to be this and I don’t see how just avoiding it is gonna make it better, you know?”

“I know. And we can continue to work on it. Maybe we should… try talking it out first? Or something. I know we did a lot of talking when you were teaching me how to have sex. It’s not the same but maybe we just need to talk out boundaries again. It worked yesterday but we don’t know how well we can replicate that…”

“I guess. I felt good and safe yesterday. I could watch you and see it was you, and you spoke the whole time. There was no point where I got confused as to who you were. I knew who was touching me and that I was safe. So maybe I need that. Maybe I just need like. Reminders. Or something. That you’re you.” Felix sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know for sure but it seems like that makes sense? I’m afraid it’s him so make sure I know it’s you? I mean I should just _know_ it’s you, because obviously. But sometimes it gets in my head and it’s different and I don’t know how I get confused I just… do.”

“I don’t think that’s uncommon with PTSD. Even if it doesn’t make sense logically it’s going to still happen. We can do what we can to make sure you know it’s me. I’m okay with reminding you. I get why you need it.” Locus leaned in slowly and kissed Felix’s temple. 

“Okay. Okay so we’ll work on that. ‘Cause I wanna have fun with sex again. Just… be with you like that, you know? I _like_ having sex with you!”

“I like having sex with you, too.” Locus chuckled softly and shifted Felix into his arms. “I like the way you feel in my arms.”

Felix blushed and ducked his head. “Sap.”

“Probably.” Locus hummed, then gently pressed a kiss to Felix’s neck making him shiver. “It’s still true. I like the way you feel, when I wrap my arms around you. When I put my hands on you. I like this little squirm when I kiss right _here_.”

Felix gasped as Locus trailed kisses down his neck, and watched Locus’ hands grip his thighs just on the right side of forceful. “Y-yeah.”

“I like watching the flush creep up your neck when I turn you on.” Locus’ voice was far too pleased and Felix could feel himself blushing as Locus ran his hands up Felix’s thighs and bit him gently at the back of his neck. “And the tremor in your voice when you start feeling good.”

Locus cupped him through his pants and Felix gave a shaking, breathy moan. “Fuck, Locus.”

“Shall I keep going?”

“Please don’t fucking stop.”


	8. Talk About It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boundaries, emotions, next steps... talking.

“So I guess the lesson we can take away from this is: I like it when you talk dirty to me.” Felix flashed his teeth with a grin and Locus hit him with a pillow.

“Asshole.”

“You knew that the _moment_ you met me.” Felix laughed and tossed the pillow back lazily. 

“I suppose that’s true enough.” Locus’ voice rumbled slightly, betraying his satisfaction. “At no point has that been a surprise, I just thought I’d point it out.”

Felix hummed happily and leaned against Locus, finding a comfortable way to curl up with him on the couch. “I am kinda serious though… I think it helps when you’re talking. Like the last two times you did that and I didn’t have flashbacks.”

Locus considered that and gently ran his fingers up and down Felix’s back. “You said you need to remember who’s there. I can speak to you… and I do like the way you squirm when you get turned on.”

Felix stuck his tongue out at Locus, and Locus responded by kissing him deeply. “Mm!”

“And the sounds you make when you get into it. When you’re enjoying having sex… it’s incredibly attractive.” Locus wrapped his arms around Felix and kissed him again, slow and gentle this time. 

Felix blushed a little despite himself and nuzzled Locus’ neck affectionately. “You’re pretty fucking hot yourself.” He nipped lightly and grinned at the tired shiver. “I like when you get into it. It’s super hot. An’ makes me feel good.”

“It makes you feel good because I’m into it?” Locus brushed his fingers through Felix’s hair and Felix laughed a little.

“Well yeah, there’s always something nice when you turn your partner on. Like… ‘I did that’ you know? ‘You’re squirming like that ‘cause you think I’m that hot.’” Felix grinned and trailed his fingers over Locus’ chest. 

Locus chuckled and pulled Felix into another slow kiss. “It’s not that surprising I find you attractive. Or that anyone finds you attractive for that matter.”

“You know what I mean. There’s ‘yeah that guy’s hot’ and ‘I make your toes curl’... It’s about as much a rush making you cum as it is when I do.” Felix laughed into the kiss, then slowly rolled to get up. “There’s a difference, too, that it’s you and not someone else. It means something when it’s you.”

Locus sighed softly and pushed himself up to sit on the couch. “You _do_ occasionally make make my toes curl. And I like… when you enjoy it. I like it best when you’re as into it as I am.”

Felix laughed and stretched so his back cracked. “It’s better when we work together. And all that. Ugh I’m hungry now though. We should take a shower and get something to eat. I think we should go get sushi. That stuff was pretty great and we haven’t had it yet this year.”

Locus got up off the couch and walked over to kiss Felix on the temple. “Want to make it our first official date?”

“Oh damn we can do that, can’t we?” Felix laughed. “We should totally try dating like officially. Since we’re official… though mostly it’s probably the same eating food and talking?”

“Context’s different?” Locus shrugged a little. “This time we know it’s a date?”

“Works for me!”

\---

Dating it turned out was pretty easy since they already did it whenever they went out, but there was something about being able to hold hands and know what it meant. Last year people had looked at them funny and Felix had been annoyed that they’d been misinterpreted, he was still annoyed at gawkers but this time they were right. In a way, a lot of them had that disapproval something wrong with you feel, so _they_ were wrong, but the idea that they were, in fact, on a date. That was correct.

It was the first time Felix had gone out _knowing_ he was on a date. He wondered if the fact that all the other times had mainly been Locus that those retroactively became dates. How much had they managed to change since then?

He knew what it felt to be truly afraid to lose him. He’d sat in a hospital honestly not knowing if Locus would ever come out. In turn Locus had held him through what felt like his worst points. Comforted him as he screamed into the night at ghosts and memories. 

They’d been through hell last year, and barely survived it.

He ran his thumb over the collection of scars on his left hand and shivered a little.

“You all right?” Locus looked up and gave him sheepish sort of shrug.

“I just thought… this was where we went at the end of last year, right?” Felix picked at his rice with a little sigh. “And everything was good but terrifying and we didn’t know what was going to happen…”

“I remember that.” Locus nodded and held out a hand so Felix put his left hand in his. “I was so happy for the moment, but so… afraid of the next day would bring.”

“And that was kind of a nightmare, and I shouldn’t have put either of us through that… I’m still sorry that I made you lock me in.” Felix shook his head and Locus squeezed his hand.

“I understand. Of course it’s easier to understand now that I know you won’t be going back.” Locus smiled a little.

“I know. I was… I was really scared I’d lose you if I didn’t go back. I spent a lot of time scared I’d lose you.” Felix admitted quietly. 

“You’re not going to lose me.” Locus leaned in and kissed the scarred palm of Felix’s hand. “I’m right here.”

“Right here.” Felix laughed then pulled his hand back with a blush. “I never thought I’d have anything like this…”

“Neither did I.” Locus shrugged a little. “I never connected with anyone before. You brought so much light into my life.”

Felix covered his face and shook his head. “I brought you _trouble_ is what I brought you.”

“Well, that too.” Locus admitted with a little grin. “But it was worth it.”

“I… got you stabbed.” Felix leaned back in his chair and sipped his cola to keep from looking at Locus.

“Do you know what I was most afraid of? Once I realised what happened?” Locus said softly, reaching out to cup Felix’s face with his hand.

“That you almost _died_?” 

“That I almost died only having known you for a year.” Locus’ voice was gentle and he kissed Felix’s forehead lightly. “I’d only gotten a year to be with you. When otherwise we could have had forever. I was, sometimes I am, afraid of how close I came to losing the potential. I almost lost the chance to do this.”

Locus kissed him gently and Felix laughed when he finally pulled away. “I. Y-you’re too good at that. But. But I wanted to live because of you… you know? I mean… I always thought I’d keep living for spite. To spite the people who wanted me dead, to spite my mother, my family, everyone. But I wanted to stay alive for you. That’s why you’re… _safe_. You’re… what I have to live for.” Felix paused then covered his face. “That sounds super shitty and manipulative. I’m not going to die if you leave me. I mean I’ll feel awful and probably be a little shit, like don’t think I’m like ‘naw I’d be fine if you left’ ‘cause I wouldn’t but I wouldn’t. Die. You were just--”

“I get it.” Locus laughed and kissed him again. “It’s okay. You’re important to me, too.”

“You are so much better at this. How is it you ghost through most shit but still know what to say, and I do nothing but talk but always fuck up this romantic shit?” Felix sighed and Locus offered him a tuna roll, which he accepted with a bit of an annoyed expression.

“I’m just a sap, remember.” Locus grinned and Felix had to take a drink so he could speak again.

“You are a sap. Complete romantic bullshit.”

“You like it.”

“Yeah… I guess I do.”

\---

“Are you… do you _always_. Uh. Receive? I mean. Sexua-- when it comes to sex?” Locus was blushing as he asked, Felix sitting quite comfortably in his lap.

Felix stared at him a moment trying sort out both what Locus was really asking, and how to answer it. “Like. I guess? You don’t even really like going that far, why do you ask?”

“Well. It’s not that-- I just don’t know. It seems very. A lot.” _And_ here was where Locus got tongue tied. Could talk all manner of romance, but had no clue how to talk sex.

“It can be intense. Yes. But it’s pretty fun. Do you wanna try? Is that it?” Felix wiggled back, sitting on Locus’ lap was not a good way to have a conversation like this, it was too easy to get distracted from important issues. 

“I don’t… know. That just seems to be the end all, be all of sex. Like. Um. Penetration.” Locus was getting extremely flustered and it was too cute.

“Well, okay so first off it isn’t. You can go your whole life not having penetrative sex, it’s totally not necessary. We still have pretty great sex without it. But if you wanna do it we can do that too.” Felix shrugged a little. “I don’t know if we have lube though so we may have to run to the drugstore. Like you can’t half ass that one, or it becomes like significantly less fun.”

“I-I. I don’t know if I.” Locus sputtered and looked down at his hands. “I mean I’m curious, but also you always. Why are you always… ah. Bottom? That seems the wrong term um.”

“Dude, breathe. It’s cool. It shouldn’t make you this uncomfortable. If it makes you uncomfortable we don’t do it. Going back to rule number 1.” Felix patted Locus’ knee gently. “As to why because I like it. Also it’s always totally easier to get sex partners that way, a lot of other guys are all self conscious about it so they wanna be doing the fucking and man I like it. You know about prostate stuff right? Like right angle right rhythm it’s a fucking good orgasm.”

“O-okay. I guess I’m curious I just…” Locus sighed. “I like what we do, but I’m curious about… more. But I don’t want to push, or something?”

“Okay, you know what, I’m gonna run to the drugstore and get some lube so that if we do decide we need it, then we have it. Spit and lotion doesn’t cut it when it comes to anal… I mean in a pinch you can I guess with other stuff but like It’s so easy to go to the drugstore. Like especially now right? It was weird when I was like 15. I did not have a mature face, the cashier was a little skeptical. But like it’s not illegal to buy lube and condoms. Do you wanna use condoms? Like at this point with us it’s kinda ‘do you wanna deal with the mess’ more than anything. I’m clean, you’re clean, we’ve been doing this forever, neither of us has the equipment to birth a child.”

“Now _you’re_ babbling.” Locus raised an eyebrow. “You’re really into this?”

“Well. Yes? And also like doing it right. Like you already know so like… my first time was super far from awesome.” To put it mildly. “But now I know how to do it in a way that everyone had fun, right? So fucking… I never wanna be in a situation _again_ where it’s all one-sided. I _never_ want it to feel like that for anyone. And I know it’s like… different, like being uncomfortable ‘cause it’s weird and… my first time, but like. _If_ we do it, I wanna do it right, so that you enjoy it fully. And if you don’t wanna do it then whatever we have a bottle of lube we never opened. Or we can use it for the usual stuff like seriously that’s kinda what it’s for we shoulda picked some up earlier but I was doing the freak out thing.”

“And. You don’t think you’ll freak out this time? I don’t want to do it if it’ll upset you.” Locus frowned. “We haven’t gone this far, and you’re still dealing with the flashbacks.”

“I have no idea. Ross didn’t go that far either so like it feels like it shouldn’t trigger it. We’ll keep doing it like we’ve been doing it. I feel like talking through it has been helping a lot, and that can help you too. Like we can just talk about what we’re doing.” Felix crossed his arms and sighed. “I know what I’m doing here, if you just wanna talk about it today that doesn’t mean we have to do it today, I just think being prepared is important.”

“It is. If you put this much work into preparing for school…”

“Oh fuck off.” Felix laughed and stuck out his tongue. “This is way more fun than school. Besides preparing for school ain’t as easy as a trip to the drugstore to make sure we got everything.”

“Okay fair. You just put… you put a lot of thought into all of this.” Locus smiled and leaned in to kiss Felix slowly.

“Well… it’s important. Also like you don’t put thought into it. You’re the one that brought it up!” Felix laughed and kissed Locus’ nose before leaning back to get off the bed. ”What made you think of it?”

“Last night, sort of. We talked about how far we’ve come. You’ve made it a point not to push me in any direction, really… When most people have sex that’s what they’re talking about. I thought… about trying it, doing it normally instead of… the half-way stuff I’d been comfortable with. We went a while without having sex so that shifted the progression of things. I just thought we should… progress.” Locus shrugged a little and looked embarrassed.

“Progress makes it seem like it’s a mandatory step. No steps are mandatory. So don’t like… feel obligated. But if it’s a step you wanna take then we’ll give it a shot. If either of us freak out we will… pause. I guess? We’re both a little bit fucked up I think maybe.” Felix laughed at Locus’ half smile and pulled a shirt on. “We’ll get where we need to be without pushing or rushing.”

Locus nodded and followed him off of the bed then found his own shirt to pull on. 

“You get the benefit of an expert slut by the way.” Felix grinned as he grabbed what they needed to head out. “Figuring out sex is usually awkward and filled with accidents. So here’s my being a slut coming in handy.”

“I can never tell if you talk like that to be down on yourself or to reclaim the title.” Locus mumbled dryly as they headed out the door.

“Eh, bit of both. You gotta admit it’s coming in handy right now though, right?” Felix said. “I know what I’m doing.”

“It is handy that you know what you’re doing. And there was nothing wrong with you being promiscuous in the first place.” Locus reached to take Felix’s hand as they headed down the sidewalk.

“That’s very kind of you.” Felix squeezed Locus’ hand lightly. “I promise to use my knowledge for good. We can have an excellent and happy sex life in this relationship if we keep this up.”

“Now we just need to figure out the rest of it.” Locus said dryly, earning a laugh.

“Yeah that may take more work. I have no idea what I’m doing for the rest of it. And I don’t think we can pick that up at the store.” Felix frowned thoughtfully. “I mean whatever commercial goods go hand in hand with relationships could probably be picked up at the store… but that doesn’t seem like our problem.”

“Well at this point we don’t really have a problem?”

“Save for my emotional ineptitude?”

“We’re both kind of emotionally inept. But I think that puts us on even footing, making it not currently a problem.”

“Fair point. Burn that bridge when we come to it.”

“I… don’t think that’s the phrase.”

“Face it, babe, we are way more likely to burn the bridge than cross it.”

“Okay maybe. We have done things… somewhat dramatically.”

“Somewhere Kaylee just rolled her eyes really hard and she doesn’t know why.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I need to take a couple days off, I'm really sorry you guys! I'm just feeling really burnt out. Just a couple days to get my feet back under me. I'm so sorry! I'll try and be back soon.


	9. It's Better When It's Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's a relationship supposed to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience! I'm sorry I took so long!

Felix panted against Locus’ shoulder and laughed as he clung to him. Even with his ‘expertise’ it had been a little fumbled, Locus had been so nervous it had made him nervous.They paused a lot to make sure the other was okay. But in the end that made it work. It was hard to get scared giggling against Locus’ chest because this was the third time he’d asked if Felix was okay. This was how it was supposed to go. At least a little. Maybe they should both be less nervous next time, but breathless and laughing felt like a much better result than breathless and panicked.

“That’s probably slightly more intense if we don’t keep stopping.” Locus chuckled softly and kissed the top of Felix’s head.

“Intense isn’t always better. Sometimes it’s better to have fun.” Felix grinned. “Movies do sex weird. It’s not about intense serious glances or whatever. It’s having fun ‘cause you feel good, you know?”

“Yeah. I do like it more when it’s fun.” Locus smiled trailing his fingers over Felix’s shoulders. “I like hearing you laugh. Even if sometimes it’s at me.”

“I’m not laughing at you.” Felix kissed his shoulder. “The situation is just… you know? Just we’re kinda bein’ dorks about it, right? And that’s… I like that. Maybe one day we’ll try rough, but I like it with you. And everything’s nice and whatever.”

“I have absolutely no idea how well I would be able to do rough.” Locus admitted with a wince.

“You don’t have to. And you definitely don’t have to now. We got time to bullshit, right? I think we’re still making a pattern, we don’t need to break it up yet.” Felix snuggled close, feeling dopey and clingy and a significant number of emotions.

“True. I think we just did a break in pattern, so that counts for something.”

“Definitely. Maybe we get to the point where we can do anal without stopping every few minutes to double-check we’re okay?” Felix giggled again. “Then we can look into something else if we want.”

“Mm. Probably a good plan.” Locus muttered dryly.

“You did like it, right?” Felix shifted to look up at Locus. “Like do you actually wanna do that again sometime or are you just humouring me?”

“I liked it. I want to do it more. But I want to get a little more used to it before I give a full opinion? It felt very good but this time I was very worried. I wasn’t focusing properly.” Locus admitted softly.

“That’s fair. Just keep me up to date on what you feel about this stuff okay?” Felix settled back against Locus lazily. “Nervous the first time is pretty normal. Let’s just make sure it’s not discomfort with the situation ‘cause there’s lots of shit we can do instead.”

“Okay. So long as you let me know how you’re feeling about these situations? Let me know if you think something’s… I don’t know, triggering or something.”

“Ugh don’t hold emotional honesty hostage on me. Just tell me things. But I’ll try and let you know. I don’t always know myself? So if I suddenly have a panic attack and didn’t tell you it’s because my brain threw a surprise party and it was awful, okay?” Felix made a face and wrapped an arm tight around Locus’ waist. 

“I will keep it in mind that these things can be a surprise. But when you _do_ know, talk to me? I’d like you to feel safe talking to me?” 

“I _do_. I just feel like… sometimes it just feels like it’s dumb, or I don’t notice, or it’s the same as the last three times so it’s not like bringing it up is helping? I dunno. It’s not like… it doesn’t come naturally to just talk about it, so it’s like I gotta stop and make a point of it, and once I do that it seems dumb to talk about it. It’s not you, it’s me being bad at emotions.” Felix sighed and hid his face against Locus’ arm.

“That’s fair.” Locus reached to play with his hair. “I don’t know how to talk about a lot of this either… I just think we should… learn? We should know how to do this. So we don’t make mistakes or something. That always seems to break relationships, you know? At least in stories. Nobody talks about anything and then everyone gets confused and then things fall apart.”

“Well. I promise to _try_. I’m kinda used to keeping secrets, but I’ll make a concentrated effort to speak to you honestly and openly? Please give me like a forgiveness period for learning what the fuck I’m doing?”

“Can I have the same forgiveness period? I’m pretty used to ignoring my emotions…” Locus frowned, then clarified. “Trying to control them, but not fully understanding them? I think.”

“Not understanding emotions is where we live, it’s cool. We’ll work on it. Maybe when I start the hardcore therapy I’ll learn what feelings are?”

“If you figure them out let me know. I’ve been taking psychology for two years and all I know is that everyone disagrees about it and also people did horrible things to monkeys.”

“ _What_?” Felix laughed and looked up at Locus. “Where the fuck do monkeys come from?”

“Someone did a study on depression and seclusion or something? It had to do with monkeys. I don’t know why it stuck with me… the pit of despair or something. I think the only reason our teacher even told us about it was to make a moral lesson but. It was a mess and a bunch of monkeys got really fucked up?” Locus shrugged a little. “Likely also he was trying to make a statement about our suspension system since I guess part of the point was that social creatures get fucked up in seclusion?”

“Um. Yes. Being locked in seclusion’ll fuck you up. Like. Not to make this all about me but, speaking from experience, look how well I turned out.” Felix waggled his eyebrows and Locus smiled and pulled him up slowly for a kiss.

“I like the person you turned out to be.” Locus kissed his cheeks as Felix laughed. “And we’ll work on the parts that hurt you, okay? So you can be you, and also happy.”

“You make me happy.” Felix smiled a little smugly and leaned against Locus’ chest. “But I will still attend therapy and work on being fucked up.”

“Working on it is good. You but healthier. Because I like you, I don’t want to make you change, just… healthy.” Locus shrugged a little and Felix kissed him again.

“Me but healthy works if that’s what you want. Though, I think that means your taste in men is skinny assholes. Dunno what that says about you.”

“I think my taste in men is just you. I’ve never been interested in anyone before.”

“...seriously?” Felix blinked and sat up. “Like romantically or…?”

“Sexually. I never… it never made sense to me before. I mean a lot of teenagers are obsessed and it just didn’t make sense. And then I got to know you.” Locus shifted to sit up too. “I mean I think I had little crushes when I was little but they never seemed very important. I didn’t connect with people well. But when they started describing things like ‘you’re going to get urges’ it seemed like… no. No I don’t?”

“But then me… like. Like romance novel shit?” Felix felt a little uncomfortable with that. How was he supposed to deal with romance novel shit?

“No. Not. It wasn’t like ‘and here he is the perfect man’, I didn’t see you and immediately realise my sexuality. It was just like… over time as I got to know you, you became attractive to me? It’s not like… some weird soulmate thing, just… slow. It was very slow and I don’t know how to describe it very well. But it’s only you… right now. You’re my taste in men. And other. It’s you.”

Felix ducked his head. “Uh I think that means you probably have awful taste but… I mean cool. It’s. Wow.”

“I’ve made you uncomfortable.” Locus scowled and shrank a little.  
“No! It’s not like that, I just… Well for one when I saw you I thought you were hot like immediately. That’s how I work, my taste is like all over the place. It’s. I mean I guess I feel a little guilty? Or not guilty but like… It’s not that singularly special for me…” Felix shrugged a little. “And I’m me, I mean if you’re going to decide to like someone after you get to know someone it’s like… Uh. I’m an asshole. And a mess.”

Locus held out his hands and Felix took them. “It think it’s just how I’m wired. I don’t need you to be wired the same. I knew you were attracted to other people as soon as we met. I’m. I’m not going to demand that change. I… I want to say you can continue having sex with other people I know it made you happy… but it makes me jealous. I’m sorry…”

“Dude.” Felix laughed and leaned in to kiss Locus softly. “Thank you for not actually being a saint? You’re allowed to be jealous over stuff like that. I won’t have sex with other people. I haven’t wanted to have sex with other people, and I mean. We’re official now, right? That’s what we’re doing. And I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“I’m sorry…” Locus kissed Felix back and squeezed his hands. “I don’t want a relationship to be a cage…”

“It’s not a cage, it’s a commitment. It’s different. I knew that when I agreed to be official. I don’t think it’s selfish to be like ‘boyfriend please don’t sleep with other people’? That’s… that’s like normal and stuff.” Felix grinned and shrugged a little. “I don’t need to sleep with other people. It was just fun, now I have you, and I have a commitment. That’s more important. And we have more fun anyway.”

“Okay.” Locus nodded. “I’m not going to get upset if you find other people attractive though. You see that a lot on TV, right? But… finding someone attractive and acting on it is different. I don’t mind…”

“I appreciate that because I honestly don’t know how to stop that part. That’s just… just natural. I won’t do anything about it, but I don’t know how to not find people attractive.” Felix grinned and kissed Locus’ jaw lightly. “You’re the most attractive, though. My sexy giant zombie.”

Locus laughed and pulled him into a slightly harder kiss. “I don’t think zombies are supposed to be sexy.”

“Mmm, not usually. But you’re the exception.” Felix grinned brightly. “Because you’re sexy and a _total_ zombie.”

“It’s not that unusual to be tired.” Locus protested again, making Felix laugh.

\---

“So your birthday’s coming up…” Felix mentioned idly as he looked over a t-shirt. Killing time at the mall seemed like a pretty reasonable activity, and it gave them a chance to restock their fridge eventually.

“It is.” Locus looked over at Felix with an arched eyebrow. “Why?”

“Well first off what kinda stuff do you want? We already got you a bunch of shampoo and stuff.” Felix shrugged. “And I guess… how’re you feelin’ about that? It’s a big one.”

“It is…” Locus considered quietly. “I don’t know what I want for my birthday. I have everything I need for now… I don’t know how much we can even have at school… as for how I feel. I feel apprehensive?”

“Because your file?” Felix put the t-shirt back and picked through the piles for something that might catch his eye.

“Yeah… now it’s a reality. I have to deal with it.” Locus sighed and walked over to Felix. “I don’t know which is worse, if they’re alive or dead.”

Felix nodded and reached to give Locus’ arm a reassuring squeeze.

“I mean unselfishly, it’s better if they’re alive because you don’t just wish death on someone. But is it better to be unwanted or lost? I guess…” Locus sighed and shrugged a little. 

“Well, being unwanted sucks, but it probably also sucks to be wanted and have it fucked up.” Felix tapped his foot. “You wanna do something special to celebrate? Like pick a day to be your birthday ‘cause we’ll be in school for your birthday?”

“I guess in the end the result is the same… it doesn’t matter if they’re dead or they didn’t want me, I turned into me regardless.” Locus considered quietly. “I… maybe during the day we can have the others over again. Something like a party? But then for the evening I’d like to just… pizza and a movie in bed?”

“And the you you turned into is pretty great, for the record.” Felix grinned. “A birthday party then a quiet night in. I’ll let everyone know, and then we’ll get the things together. Do you wanna get a cake or try and make a cake? I learned how to do that! I mean it’s just following a recipe so it’s not hard, but still! I know how to make a cake.”

Locus smiled fondly at Felix and leaned down to kiss him. “Let’s try making a cake ourselves. I want to help. I think it would be fun.”

“We’ll figure out your file too, Locs.” Felix reached to take Locus’ hand. “You got me however you need me through this. You don’t gotta do it all alone. I’m right here with you.”

“Thank you.” Locus looked at Felix with so much warmth and caring that Felix felt short of breath. “I’m so glad life brought us together.”

“Y-yeah. Me too. You’re probably the best thing to ever happen to me.” Felix blushed and ducked his head and Locus squeezed his hand.


	10. Pre-Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cake goes awry but other than that a pretty good almost birthday

Felix couldn’t get up he was laughing so hard. Once Locus was able to grasp what had happened he started laughing too, and sat down by him on the floor. 

The air was full of flour, and Locus was well and truly covered. Felix had an apron, because apparently the first task in Home Ec is to make an apron, so Felix’s shirt was slightly less covered in flour.

“That… didn’t work.” Locus tried to brush it off and just managed to smudge it into his shirt more. Felix laughed harder because he was a traitor. Locus considered just dumping what was left of the wet ingredients on him.

“Oh my god.” Felix choked and covered his face, he looked like he was trying to collect himself but he was failing. “Oh my god.”

Locus decided that eggs, sugar, and butter would probably not hurt Felix too badly, so he uprooted the bowl on him. There wasn’t enough left from the explosion to be salvaged anyway. Felix squawked and still managed to laugh harder. 

“You shit! Oh my god!” Felix reached to smear some of the wet ingredients onto Locus’ face. Locus tried to avoid it but just managed rolling over and having Felix tackle him. Felix rubbed their failed batter onto Locus’ face and cackled as Locus wrapped his arms around him, smudging even more flour into their clothes.

Locus laughed as Felix buried his face against Locus’ neck and giggled. “The others can never know.”

Felix howled, before finally leaning back to look at Locus. They were both a mess, covered in batter and flushed from laughter. “Definitely not.” 

Felix then paused for a moment then scrambled into the living room, Locus wondered what he was doing until there was the click of a camera. “No. No pictures.” Locus tried to leap to his feet but slipped and ended up on his ass. Felix took another picture. 

“You okay?” He finally asked when he’d finished giggling and Locus nodded. 

“Delete those.” Locus couldn’t muster any menace, he was still grinning too hard to sound displeased. 

“Absolutely not.” Felix sounded indignant, but he was still smiling widely and breathing hard. “How many pictures do you have of me looking like an ass. Finally proof you’re not perfect.”

“You have at least three pictures of me waking up on there.” Locus slowly pushed up to his feet and surveyed the mess.

“Mmm… this is better.” Felix grinned and flipped through the pictures he’d taken.

“Then…” Locus reached and snatched the camera away.

“Hey!” Felix reached and Locus stepped back and snapped his own shots of Felix covered in batter. 

“At least we will match.”

“ _You’re_ the one that used the egg beater on the dry ingredients.” Felix huffed with an attempt at indignancy but he couldn’t muster much fire behind it.

“It said to mix it with the wet ingredients.” Locus responded and took another picture, because Felix was particularly adorable pouting and covered in flour and butter.

“Gradually. Gradually would be the key word there, Locs.” Felix stuck his tongue out at him. “I guess we clean up and try again?”

“That seems to be the only available option. We appear to have run out of batter.”

“Asshole.” Felix flicked his fingers at Locus to spatter what was probably egg on him.

“How many cleaning supplies do we actually have here? I don’t think we bought a mop…” Locus looked around the little kitchen area, the floor splattered and smeared with what once might have been a cake.

“...Well shit. I guess we go get some after we clean ourselves?” Felix pulled off his apron and scowled at the awkward void it made on his t-shirt. “Well this was extremely useful.”

“Probably not made for explosions.” Locus offered and put the camera somewhere clean.

“Not prepared for the one thing Locus isn’t good at. This is why you need me to be your housewife. So we can avoid flour explosions.” Every time Felix brought up that joke it made Locus’ heart race. Anthony had teased them about getting married, and Felix had seemed put off by the idea. But, sometimes, Locus thought maybe that could be the future.

He kind of liked the idea of just being at Felix’s side forever. Sickness, health and all those other things marriage was supposed to be about. But then that was probably the romantic part of him, what made Felix call him a sap. 

Felix peeled off his shirt and kicked off his jeans and made his way to the washer. “Okay load up, zombie. Let’s wash this all up. I don’t know for sure if t-shirts should go with jeans but whatever they’re all covered in egg.”

Locus nodded, and shook of the thought as he pulled off his own clothes to add to the load. “At the very least nothing is too valuable it can’t be replaced?”

“True enough.” Felix poured in some soap then shut the washer. “Now hop in the shower, it takes like a year to wash your hair, and we gotta be respectable to go buy a mop.”

“Yessir.” Locus laughed and resisted the urge to ruffle Felix’s hair, since he’d dumped egg into it and that seemed less fun than usual.

\---

The second attempt at cake was more successful. Once they’d spent a good chunk of the afternoon cleaning up their mess they began again working their way through the recipe. This time Felix was in charge of mixing the ingredients, and he managed not to blow them up. 

“They’re a little lopsided…” Locus looked at the two pieces that would make up the cake once they cooled.

“Yeah I guess we’re supposed to cut away the excess to make it even and shit.” Felix shrugged and looked at the cake too. “It’ll cover up with frosting probably.”

Trimming away the excess turned out to be… complicated. Eventually they settled on ‘still lopsided but if we cut more there won’t be a cake’ and started on the frosting. Felix had again taken the egg beater because icing sugar was even worse for exploding everywhere than flour was. 

The end product was… a cake.

Technically.

“Well I mean I don’t think it’s _bad_.” Felix put his hands on his hips and tilted his head as he looked the cake over. Frosting wasn’t as easy as it looked and it picked up crumbs, so the pure white vanilla frosting had little pieces of chocolate cake stuck in it, giving it a speckled look. The two tiers of the cake didn’t match properly and try as they might they couldn’t get the frosting to hide that fact, so there was a slight bulge in the middle. “I mean it tastes good right? That’s the point?”

“That’s the point.” Locus chewed his lip and focused on the cake. 

Apparently letting his guard down had been a mistake, Felix got revenge for the batter by grabbing a handful of leftover frosting and smearing it across his face.

“ _Really?_ ” Locus sighed and tried to wipe the frosting off as Felix licked his fingers with a devious smile.

“Mmhm.”

“You’re a brat.”

“You like it.”

Locus pulled him into a kiss. “Maybe.”

Felix cackled and dragged him down into another, deeper kiss. “You _like_ me.” His tone was teasing and playful and he bit Locus’ lip lightly. 

“I like you a lot.” Locus laughed and kissed him deeper, moving until they bumped the counter. Felix pulled back and looked at the mess they had to clean up, seeming to weigh his options for a moment before he tossed his apron aside and jumped up into Locus’ arms to kiss him again.

Locus at least kept enough sense to move to the couch as Felix pulled at his shirt and laughed against his mouth. Locus stumbled onto the couch as he tried to surrender his clothing without dropping Felix. 

“It’s a good thing ‘cause I like you too.” Felix tossed his own shirt aside and gave Locus one short sweet kiss before nibbling a trail down his neck and making him squirm. 

\---

“Happy birthday!” Abbey beamed as Locus opened the door to let her in. She gave him a hug and he pat her back lightly. 

“Thank you.” Locus smiled and Anthony and Kaylee followed, though they were less huggy. 

“Happy birthday. Or pre-birthday. Whatever.” Anthony shrugged. “Close enough?”

“Close enough.” Locus nodded and closed the door once they were all in. 

“No one wants to celebrate at school when you can celebrate a little early and you know be allowed sugar and that sorta shit right?” Felix grinned and waved to them. 

“That’s true enough. Charon’s not exactly great for celebrations.” Anthony rolled his eyes. “Also I brought my deck like you asked.”

“Awesome.” Felix grinned and gestured them into the living room to put everything down.

“That cake is… something.” Kaylee raised an eyebrow at the lopsided, bulging and speckled mess of baked good on the table.

“Hey man it’s pretty fucking for our first try.” Felix put his hands on his hips.

“Second.” Locus corrected dryly.

“Does the first one really count?” Felix made a face, “I mean it didn’t get very far.”

“I think it counts since we had to go buy a mop.” 

“Wow.” Both of Kaylee’s eyebrows were up at that.

“Okay but like most of it was Locus’ fault.” Felix huffed in pretend indignance. “He dumped batter on me can you believe it?”

“I can believe you deserved in.” Kaylee smirked as Felix stuck his tongue out at her.

“You are the worst friends. You have no faith in me.” Felix shook his head and Locus draped an arm over his shoulder. “And you… really did dump a bowl of batter on me.”

“I’m pretty sure you got me back.” Locus smirked a little. 

“Damn fucking rights I did.” Felix tilted his chin up smugly and crossed his arms.

“Okay so are we doing presents right away? Or a couple cardgames first or cake?” Anthony interrupted.

“How ‘bout presents, then card games, then card games and cake?” Felix offered.

“Okay just don’t get cake on my cards.” Anthony made a face. 

“Here.” Abbey held out her bag and Locus took it.

“Is this going to be a trend forever?” He sighed as he pulled out a bottle labelled Black Blood of the Earth. It was a concentrated coffee. 

“Yup basically. At least until you stop needing it?” Abbey grinned brightly.

Anthony handed over his bag with a grin and Locus sighed as he pulled out a coffee mug shaped like a prescription bottle, prescribing him coffee, filled with a bag of caffeinated candies. “You know, I’d have thought you of all people would be understanding.”

“I am understanding.” Anthony snickered. “I got myself a bag of those candies at home, so I know they work. Fully understanding.”

Kaylee shrugged and handed over a wrapped present which turned out to be two bags of Death Wish Coffee. “Abbey said she wasn’t getting it this time, and I figured you’d run out by now.”

“I’m seriously not that bad.” Locus sighed as he looked at his heavily caffeinated haul. 

“You’ll appreciate it when school kicks up and you gotta be up at six though.” Anthony smirked at him. 

“Here.” Felix grinned and handed Locus a wrapped bundle, which he was relieved to notice was clothing and therefore not more coffee related. Probably. He was less impressed when he unwrapped it to find a green hoodie with just the word ‘Zombie’ written on it. “I thought it was fitting.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“I know.”

\---

They played a few rounds of cards and Abbey brought a board game about a haunted house that took a couple hours and ultimately Felix won and killed everyone. It was a very good afternoon and the cake was good despite the lumps. Locus was happy, it had always been hard for him to find somewhere to belong, somewhere along the way he stopped trying with foster families. And there was only so much people could do when he refused to interact. Families tried and he gave up on bonding because he knew it was only so long before they took him away again. It hadn’t occurred to him to try and make friends at Charon. He didn’t know how. He didn’t engage.

Felix had drawn it out of him, forced him into situations where he had to interact with people, and from that. From awkwardly fumbling through conversations, and slowly getting to know this little group Locus had ended up with something like a family. He didn’t know what graduation was going to do to them. He was wary of depending too much on the plans he and Felix made, so often things fell through. So often people broke their promises. But staying with Felix, making a life with him, that felt like the best future he could hope for. And if that future could keep Kaylee, Abbey and Anthony as friends, it seemed pretty close to perfect. 

So long as he got his grades working properly. He needed to start filling out forms and writing application essays, but birthday parties weren’t where he needed to fret about that. For now he was (almost) eighteen. He had Felix, he had friends and something to look forward to. It was more than he’d ever thought to expect.

As their friends left Locus put his gifts in a pile on the counter. Maybe he’d try the concentrated coffee tomorrow morning and see if he could keep up with Felix? He quickly decided Felix wasn’t allowed to touch it if it was concentrated. Felix had enough energy as it was. He didn’t need to be stealing Locus’.

Felix wrapped his arms around him from behind and nuzzled his back. “Happy birthday.”

“Or something like it.” Locus smiled and slowly turned around so he could wrap Felix in his arms. “Thank you.” 

“Mmmm. I’m glad you had fun.” Felix leaned up on his toes and kissed Locus slowly, with heat. Felix was starting to feel safe with sex again, and it was lighting something up in him. Locus couldn’t say he minded, there was something wonderful about pressing against Felix and feeling him move. Something beautiful about the way Felix sounded when Locus was winding him up. 

Locus let his hands trail down from Felix’s back to grope his ass, making Felix squeak a little. “I have a lot of fun with you.” Locus’ voice rumbled slightly as he kissed Felix again deeply and felt him melt a little in his grasp. 

“I have some ideas for that.” Felix practically purred as Locus pulled back. “Some more fun we could have. Something else you could unwrap.”

“That was bad.” Locus laughed but Felix took his arm and pulled him back into their room.

“You like it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm sorry all. Life has kind of become a monster to deal with. I won't be able to update as regularly as I had been. I'm really sorry. I'm still working on it, I promise. It's just going to take longer between chapters. I'm sorry!


	11. Last Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last day of summer is bittersweet

“You know last year… last year at this time all I could think about was going back to Charon. I was excited, and I couldn’t wait to just get there and see you again.” Felix made a face as he sat on the floor and sorted through socks. Usually his domestic fantasies didn’t involve the tedious parts of laundry, but reality had no time for domestic bliss. Apparently. “Now it’s like… ugh it’s happening, right? We still have one more year of that place.”

“It was a different atmosphere last year…” Locus admitted as he folded and sorted laundry beside Felix, it had been easy just to let everything get jumbled together over the course of the summer, but now that they had to start thinking of packing things up they had to sort out what belonged where. 

“Well. I mean that’s not all bad, I kinda fucked things up last year.” Felix made a face and threw a pair of rolled up socks at Locus.

“It’s not your fault what your mother used to do to you.” Locus caught the socks and frowned at them rather than frowning at Felix.

“‘Used to’ is a nice set of words.” Felix laughed and stretched out, his back popping loudly as he did so. “Ugh. I mean I like… I made things all tense and shit. But this year the only tension is having to go back to Charon.”

“The difference a year can make…” Locus muttered and got up to start putting his clothes into his suitcase. 

“Well. I mean part of it was that Charon really sucked last year, but like… Hargrove’s out so maybe we’ll get some things back to the way they were.” Felix chewed his thumbnail and started throwing Locus his socks to pack to.

“Hopefully not all the way back, we don’t really need the weird fight clubs back.” Locus said dryly as he tucked the socks away. “But a ban on makeup and intimacy and hair was a bit too much.”

“Everything felt wrong when no one could have _anything _like… individual. We aren’t in prison _yet_ …”__

__“Suspension might change too, a few anonymous sources raised some concerns about the treatment of children…” Locus tilted his head back and forth as he thought about it._ _

__“Probably Dr Grey she didn’t seem very impressed by the idea. And you know she’s got the like… doctorate or whatever.” Felix shrugged and unenthusiastically started gathering his clothes for packing._ _

__“A child psychiatrist probably has a lot of sway, especially when parents are already freaking out.” Locus mumbled._ _

__“Well I for one look forward to the possibility of not getting locked in solitary every time I fuck up. I mean I fuck up a lot man, solitary sucks.” Felix wrinkled his nose at the idea._ _

__“Well you _could_ stop getting in trouble.” Locus suggested with a wry smile._ _

__“Impossible. You know me. Trouble follows me everywhere.” Felix flashed Locus a grin._ _

__“Mmm…” Locus couldn’t really deny that. No one got in trouble with quite the flare that Felix managed._ _

__“Maybe we’ll get lucky and this year won’t suck…” Felix sighed and squished his clothes down so it all fit in his bag properly. “Maybe we’ll be allowed food in the dorms again. That was nice.”_ _

__“Food would be good. The year would be a lot easier if we could eat past eight…” Locus shook his head. His clothes managed to fit without squishing, so he just closed his suitcase and looked around. “What should we do tonight?”_ _

__“I vote sushi and a movie again. Like last year. Kick off the end of summer with a date, like last time only more official and less dread.” Felix settled his hands on his hips and looked around. “Little last minute shopping for something to make school survivable?”_ _

__“I don’t think we’re going to be allowed to have most things that would make school survivable.”_ _

__“Ugh, yeah… What kind of real world are they trying to prepare us for even?”_ _

__“Prison.”_ _

__“Ugh. Right…”_ _

__\---_ _

__This felt like the shortest summer Felix had ever had. It seemed like it had disappeared in a blink of an eye. He almost felt like a different person. Like someone who saw different things and lived a different life. He didn’t have to go back to his mother. Ever again. It was never going to be necessary again. He didn’t really know how to deal with that. It had been what he knew for so long. It seemed like it should be easy to just… not be in that situation. Just never have to be hit again, never have to take a beating and come up with a stupid excuse for it. There was no reason for him to have anything to do with his family ever again. And while people were still going to hit him at school, he knew that, he knew Charon well enough that he didn’t expect that to change, it was always different. Classmates never had any more power than he had. Another kid could beat him senseless, but they still couldn’t hurt him the way his mother had._ _

__He wanted this year to be different, he wanted to be better this year. As if this summer was a signal to something, he wanted to pretend that going back to Charon would be good like this summer had been good._ _

__It wasn’t going to be, schools under fire rarely handled it well. Charon was going to be dealing with the aftermath of Hargrove and everything that he’d brought for a while. They were going to be dealing with the scandal of Ross’ death. And all in all it would still be Charon. It would still be full of students everyone expected to go nowhere._ _

__He wasn’t going nowhere anymore, though. For the first time in his life Felix knew that. He had something like a future waiting for him. It wasn’t something flashy or glamorous maybe, like Locus had in mind. He wasn’t going to be a big name in a field or some big important somebody. But there was still a future. Even if that future was a shitty job to pay for a shittier apartment so Locus could go to school and do all the thing he dreamed of he was pretty fine with that._ _

__Before this he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be much more than a statistic. Dead, prison or something like it. He was going to be another mouthy shithead that stayed a mouthy shithead until he fucked himself up too much to fix. But now he had a chance at the real world. Something like adulthood._ _

__“Did you ever think you’d be here?” Felix tapped his chopsticks idly as he looked over their food._ _

__“Here?” Locus looked confused. Probably because he wasn’t psychic and didn’t know what Felix’s train of thought was._ _

__Felix made a face and shrugged. “I mean just. Living a life like this? Or whatever. It’s just… weird to me, you know?”_ _

__Locus smiled softly and sipped his drink to buy a second. “Here. I never thought I’d be here. Living this life. This life wasn’t even a fantasy.”_ _

__Felix laughed and shook his head. “No kidding. You don’t even think about it, right? This feels so… I mean it feels like what normal’s supposed to be, right? Happy, and hanging out, and having friends, and… normal’s not how we got here, but this is… this is _normal_ , right?”_ _

__“I don’t think the hotel is normal, but the rest… I think happy’s good, and happy’s normal.” Locus nodded. “It’s been a weird winding road, but I think this is about as close to normal as we can expect. There’s still a contextual… weirdness, but we’re doing normal things… like normal teens.”_ _

__“Until we go back to Charon. But like… we’re not the only kids there. There’s a school of us assholes, it’s not _that_ weird. So like… normal-ish.” Felix shrugged again and popped a tuna roll in his mouth to keep from talking anymore._ _

__“Normal-ish. It suits us. And I think once we graduate we can try and actually lead normal lives.” Locus sipped his drink again._ _

__“Yeah! I was just… sorta thinking about that. About like… living a life. A real life, without like… teen gangs, or constant violence, or… high school bullshit. I mean you’ll have college bullshit, but somehow college bullshit seems really different from high school bullshit.” Felix made a face as he considered what he know about colleges, which wasn’t much. He’d never paid much attention, that had never been part of his plan._ _

__“If I get in…” Locus winced a little._ _

__“You’ll get in. You’re hard working and you still have great grades, you’re going to get in.” Felix shook his head. “I mean plus you’re applying at like a bunch of schools, you’re probably going to just be overwhelmed with options.”_ _

__“I think you overestimate me.” Locus snorted and shook his head._ _

__“Look, we’re living normal lives now. Ish. Normal people get into college, and have shitty apartments and you can do it. We can do it. I’m sure you’ll get into a college, and you’ll get your education, and you’ll get your dream job, whichever you settle on.” Felix grinned. “I’m sure.”_ _

__“Well if _you’re_ sure…” Locus rolled his eyes and Felix flicked his arm. _ _

__“I _am_. I’ve never seen anyone work as hard as you. You’ll do it. And then we’ll have a less shitty apartment.”_ _

__“Why are you so attached to the shitty part?” Locus asked dryly._ _

__“Well I mean, if we’re paying for it on what I make as… whatever job I can get with my skills and a high school diploma then like… it’ll probably be a little shitty. But I mean we’re used to living in Charon, so like not having to share a shower with a few hundred other boys is an improvement.” Felix shrugged. “But I figure we can afford a bachelor suite at least. Splurge on a good bed and a steady internet connection… Then when you graduate and get your good dream job then we can move up to something classier.”_ _

__“I suppose that’s true enough… It’ll still be better than Charon.” Locus shrugged and took a bite of a tempura’d prawn._ _

__“Totally. So we just gotta make it through this year and we’re set. We’ve made it through the last two, and like last year was a motherfucker, so we can totally do this.” Felix grinned. “We’re almost there.”_ _

__Locus smiled and reached to ruffle Felix’s hair. “Almost there.”_ _

__\---_ _

__Felix let out a growl of frustration and pressed his face deeper into the pillow. He clutched it tightly in his arms and tried to will himself to stop shaking. He felt sick, and he was so _fucking_ tired of it. He’d had so much fun he almost thought he was past this all. _ _

__“I don’t think smothering yourself will help you breathe.” Locus’ voice was soft and soothing and it just seemed even more frustrating because Felix didn’t want to be treated like that._ _

__Even if he could feel his eyes burning and his throat getting tight and he knew the stupid fucking attack was trying to make him cry and he didn’t know if he could do anything about it. He let Locus take the pillow though and gasped for air._ _

__“I h-hate this. I hate this s-so much.” Felix felt himself sob and covered his face with his hands. “I was d-doing so good.”_ _

__“It’s probably the stress of going back to school?” Locus offered and Felix hiccupped in disgust._ _

__“I can’t do this at school. I need to be over this.” Felix curled up and tried to stifle the violent way his sobs were jerking his body. “I should be over this.”_ _

__“There’s no should in this. This stuff takes time.” Locus was still speaking so soothingly, part of Felix wanted to hit him, and the rest of him just felt guilty for thinking it._ _

__That’s how it went so often, how it went before, get angry and punch the person responsible. He didn’t used to think about what that made him. But now sobbing on the floor, the urge to hit _Locus_ meant something. Meant thinking about it. Meant worrying about what he was becoming. Could become. He had to be better than that. _ _

__He felt like he was never going to be anything. He felt a little like he was dying. He’d had these attacks too many times to think that this time, but his chest hurt so much. Air was so hard to get into his lungs._ _

__“I hate this.” Felix grumbled and curled up into a tight ball. “I hate being this. I don’t want to be like this anymore.”_ _

__“I know…” Locus shifted so he was sitting a little closer to Felix. “You’ll get there. You’ll do the therapy, and you’ll get there. You’re getting closer. It’s been a while since you had an attack.”_ _

__“I wanted to think they were over.” Felix grumbled into his knees. “Fuck they hurt so much. Fuck. I thought I was over this. I thought. Like I went through it with my uncle, and I thought I fucking knew what I was doing, I thought I got it. I thought I knew how to make my brain make sense. Why is it so much _worse_?”_ _

__“Is it?” Locus reached and very slowly pulled Felix’s hands away from his face. “With your uncle it was… for a long time. It’s hard to remember things like this. It’s hard to specifically remember pain.”_ _

__“I know. I _did_. I was a mess. For a while. When I started having sex with other people. I just. I thought I was _through_ it. I shouldn’t have to do this all over again.” Felix sighed tiredly and leaned his head back against the bed._ _

__“No. You shouldn’t have to. You shouldn’t have had to go through it in the first place. But this? This is processing. It feels awful but you’ve been through the worst part.” Locus ran his fingers over the scars on Felix’s left hand. “The event? That’s over. Now it’s processing, and you don’t have to do that alone. I’ll be here, however you need me.”_ _

__“Fuck.” Felix half laughed, half sobbed and shook his head. “You’re too much. Sometimes you’re just. So… _much_. So sturdy and good and fucking… _fuck_ , you’re too _much_.”_ _

__“I’m sorry…”_ _

__“Don’t-- I mean. Y-you should… I just don’t know how to _deal_ with that. You’re so _good_. And I’m such a fuck up.” _ _

__Locus wiped the tears off Felix’s cheeks and shook his head. “I spent a year learning specifically to be in control. And I still don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. I just…” Locus sighed and looked down. “I shut down. We just show our messes differently. And what you’ve been through--”_ _

__“I don’t want to be that.” Felix sighed and shifted so he could lean against Locus. “I don’t want to be what I’ve been through. I want to be me. I don’t want to have all these conditions. Like the fine print, technically human ‘if you consider what he’s been through’. Or whatever. It’s always… I just want to be me without the footnote of all this goddamn _damage_.”_ _

__“Okay.” Locus sighed and wrapped an arm around Felix gently. “Okay, you’ll be Felix. Just Felix, without conditions.”_ _

__“We’ll just be us. No conditions.” Felix slowly let himself relax. He always felt so exhausted after an attack. He didn’t want to get up to get back on the bed._ _

__“We’ll make it through this year, and be normal-ish.” Locus kissed the top of his head. “We can make it through this year. Then we’ll have made it to the real world together.”_ _

__“Yeah… I like that. I wanna live in the real world with you.”_ _

__“We’ll do that. We’ll live in the real world together. I promise.”_ _

__Felix giggled a little as his emotions did a weird post-attack loop. He reached out to hook his pinky finger with Locus’. “Promise.”_ _

__“Promise.”_ _


End file.
